What If???

Not even all the way through the first chapter and I have to stop because already, she has hit the nail on the head for my life; the fear of the what ifs.  She breaks it down to two types: fear of what will happen in the future and fear of having made poor choices in our past and how those choices and the here and now could have been different.  Out of these two, the fear of the past is my greatest.  Did I make the right choices for my life?  Did I really hear God say this?  Am I really where I am supposed to be and if not, where did I screw up at?!?!?  I always feel like a failure in some way because of this fear and it really holds me back I think.  I'm timid around people because what if I talk to much?  What if I come across to them, another person, as an "effin know-it-all"?  What if I offend them?  What if they just don't like me?  Being in business for myself, having to work closely with other people, I'm sure you can see where these fears really can become not just a hinderance but dangerous.  Every negative encounter I have with another person only builds this fear up.  Every time my dad or mom tells me of yet another person who has such not-so-lovely opinions of me, I sink even deeper.  What if I had learned better social skills when I was younger; if I had actually had the maturity to see how everyone at times even backed away from me when they saw me coming and took that and learned THEN and changed THEN would I be struggling so much now?  What if, what if, what if????  It is the question of my life.

Fear of the future?  Oh, it plagues me too.  Fear of my house catching on fire for one example.  I don't know why but that became a life stopper for me once we bought our house.  I literally would be half way to work, running late, but would turn around and come home just to make sure the hair dryer was unplugged.  Part of my attached parenting has been for our children to sleep in our room.  We originally agreed for them to until they were able to sleep in a toddler bed and could get up on there own.  The reason for that initial choice came after reading a heart breaking story of a mom who's daughter (18 months old and in her crib) burned to death in a house fire.  She couldn't get out and the couldn't get to her through the house.  By the time they got to her window, her crib...her body was engulfed in flames.  I sobbed unable to speak while my husband read over my shoulder to find out what had me so upset.  Now, our oldest stayed in our room until she was just after four.  We all loved having each other right there; mommy, daddy, children one, two and three.  That fear was the beginnings of me being an attached parent.  I love being an attached parent but also see that I need balance in that or I will suffocate my little ones as they grow and need more space, sun and air.