When my first child, my daughter was two, I found myself in quite a pickle. You see, me and two's have never meshed well. To such a point that in my years of childcare, I got to a point where for their sake and mine, I refused to work the two year old classes unless I HAD to and those were few and far between. This time though, I had no choice. I could not say no, could not find a substitute or any other option. I had to get tough. I had to find a way to survive.
My then-best-friend suggested a parenting book to me despite my strong disdain for those sorts of books; everyone has an opinion and they all stink sort of reasoning. I barely made it past the introduction! This woman had to be out of her mind!!! I was helpless and bordering on hopeless though so I grinned and bared it so to speak. In my desperation I got it, read it and was more than thankful for it! I will admit, there are things that I don't fully agree with but then again, does anyone ever fully agree with anyone? The book is Raising Godly Tomatoes by L. Elizabeth Krueger.
I'm not going to go into to much of the book but today was a great reminder of how far I have strayed from the basic and sound teaching; keep your children close, watch them and prune out the bad things while they are still tiny. The basic principle follows that of gardening tomatoes. If you don't train up the plant while it is still young and tender, the branches will sprawl all over the ground and the fruits that are bore will be weak and will rot. However, train up the plant from the beginning, prune it and care for it, picking the weeds and bugs, and you will have a plant that produces a healthy and bountiful crop. It is easy as parents and even onlookers to make excuses for little ones. I mean, they're just babies right? How much can they REALLY understand??? And, from a tiny young age, they discover our naivety and use it to their full advantage. Before you know it, you have a terrible two, terrifying three and horrific child from then on out. Trying to train a child who has already "hardened" and become set in their behavior is not impossible but is far harder than if the work had been done in the beginning and maintained throughout the child's growing.
Today, we (my husband and myself) kept our nephew. His upbringing is vastly different than how we have been raising our four children. Things in our home have gotten quite out of hand and my husband and myself have been feeling quite at a loss. I wanted to help but was really dreading the additional load. He is very trying at times and then add to that, my three and I feared it would be like an atomic bomb blowing up. All in all though, the day went really well. It was ultimately very eye opening at how lazy we both have gotten in our parenting. Knowing what I know about my nephew, I knew I could not handle him in the same way that I normally do my own children (not that I treat mine bad but he comes from a totally different background and with that, his own life story). Not wanting to confuse the little hearts by treating one "better" than the other, I went back to my RGT training and in just one evening have seen a huge difference. My kids KNOW better and they know that Mommy and Daddy are tired and just not putting forth the effort and they take full advantage of this ESPECIALLY with Daddy. My third child is the very typical strong willed child and my second is ALL BOY! We needed the reminder at how much better our home runs when we discipline and DISCIPLE our children properly.
When we shake off the shackles of laziness and work diligently to help our children be their best possible and instill in their hearts a desire to submit to those God places over their lives. We've got a lot of back work to catch back up on and it will be hard but I am very reassured and refreshed. Better now than having gone years longer.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Reading My Mail
Got up this rainy Sunday morning NOT planning on going to church. As much as I love God, I really don't like church. I can't stand the going through the motions, the pretending, the fakeness of those around me...just being in another place where I'm the odd ball out and no one really wants me around. But, the Holy Spirit nudged me to go and at my children's excitement at the question of church, I decided we'd go.
Once there, I started to feel the bitterness build back up. Looking around wondering if anyone would bother to come speak to me. Thinking, "I should have gone to Such-n-such church this morning instead of somewhere I'm not wanted." Then praise and worship started and it was done by a bunch of kids. MEH!!! What in the world do they have teens leading adults?!?! But something, probably God's tender way with me, gently hushed the beast and I heard how beautiful it really was and the prayer the young girl gave, so genuine. I settled. Service started and was given by our pastor's younger brother. First though??? WOW! He's HOT!!! Yeah, I'm human and flawed and getting past his hotness took a good deal of work. Pastors shouldn't be good looking LOL! His eyes and mine caught all through the service and the words he gave grabbed my heart and God spoke right to me. It was like there was no one else around. Me and God through this man. This couple came in late with their brand new baby girl. My womb ached. My arms wanted to reach out and scoop her up. They told me no. I cried. Not because I couldn't hold her but because I couldn't hold HER; my daughter that I have carried in my heart for so long that my womb aches empty because she's not here and most likely, unless God has other plans that I don't know about, I will never hold. Tears welled in my eyes and spilled out down my face, lips and chin. God was there and speaking and while I don't know what my future holds, He does and He knows my pain and my frustration and no doubt, as was spoken today, some of that frustration He has sent.
Why would God send frustration and pain? To make me uncomfortable. To force me to move out. To send me into my future fulfilling what He has called me to do and be. Deuteronomy 32:11 was one of many verses that God had for me today. "As an eagle stirs up its nest, hovers over its young, spreading out its wings, taking them up, carrying them on its wings..." A mother eagle takes care of her young but when it is time for them to head out on their own, she starts to stir the nest, pulling out the down and making the nest uncomfortable. By doing this, the babies are encouraged to move out and start spreading their wings to fly on their own. I can not tell you how many times I have dreamt of flying, being caught up and whisked upwards so fast it nearly takes my breath away. I have seen eagles in my dreams and have soared high above the clouds and have learned that to fly, I have to submit to Him and let Him carry me on His wings. When I try and do it on my own, I start to fall again. God wants to get me off of my comfortable rear end and get me soaring into my destiny. I don't know what that is but, I got up from my seat and knelt at the front in prophetic proclamation that I am here, right now, giving myself to you Abba to go where you have me to go. No matter how hard things become and regardless of what others around me think, I will follow you with all of my heart, leaning not on ME and MY understandings but letting you whisk me up into the upper atmosphere of You. How do I do that? By becoming more intimate with Him!
There is another dream that I have had. This too, never the same dream but the same power. I won't go into the details, as I don't feel I should at this time, but I will say it is an intimacy with Jesus unlike words could ever describe. I want that! I hunger desperately for that and know that this is my spirit and He touching in the stillness of the night. So, even when I'm not feeling like I want anything to do with Him, I really do! I have to stop hiding from Him and start burying my face into His chest, hear His heart beating, feel His breath on my face, get lost in His eyes.
Service ended with a prayer of protection to surround those that God had touched. Satan will always try and rush in and steal what God has done. My mind is a battlefield. My heart is still so tender. Satan will wound me any way he can even if it is just to flood my mind with criticalness, lust or bitter thoughts from pains from my past. Today, I lifted my hands for the first time in God only knows how long. I wanted to give up my all to Him. He knows how hard that is for me but I did it! I want you Lord!!!
So...
Satan says, "You're a 'effin know-it-all'!!!" God says, "You are a woman of knowledge!"
Satan says, "You're an idiot, a fool, and annoying!" God says, " You are a woman of wisdom"
Satain says, "You are weak! You can't do this any longer!!!" God says, "You are a strong woman. You are called to be a woman of great strength! Through Jesus Christ, you can endure and through that endurance, I will bring you into your calling and my glory will shine for all to see!!!"
Satan says, "You should follow the crowd and just do what everyone else does and says you should do." God says, "I didn't call you to be mainstream. I called you to follow ME; to be God-stream!"
Satan says, "You're not the social norm!" God says, "be EXTRAORDINARY!!!!"
In a recent conversation I had with my dad, he said that he's just a normal man and God can speak to him as He does anyone else. I told my dad that I refuse to settle and just be normal. I strive to be extraordinary and God speaks in extraordinary ways to those who refuse to settle being the "social norm"! God can use a donkey but I don't want to be an ASS! I want to be supernatural!!!!!!
Once there, I started to feel the bitterness build back up. Looking around wondering if anyone would bother to come speak to me. Thinking, "I should have gone to Such-n-such church this morning instead of somewhere I'm not wanted." Then praise and worship started and it was done by a bunch of kids. MEH!!! What in the world do they have teens leading adults?!?! But something, probably God's tender way with me, gently hushed the beast and I heard how beautiful it really was and the prayer the young girl gave, so genuine. I settled. Service started and was given by our pastor's younger brother. First though??? WOW! He's HOT!!! Yeah, I'm human and flawed and getting past his hotness took a good deal of work. Pastors shouldn't be good looking LOL! His eyes and mine caught all through the service and the words he gave grabbed my heart and God spoke right to me. It was like there was no one else around. Me and God through this man. This couple came in late with their brand new baby girl. My womb ached. My arms wanted to reach out and scoop her up. They told me no. I cried. Not because I couldn't hold her but because I couldn't hold HER; my daughter that I have carried in my heart for so long that my womb aches empty because she's not here and most likely, unless God has other plans that I don't know about, I will never hold. Tears welled in my eyes and spilled out down my face, lips and chin. God was there and speaking and while I don't know what my future holds, He does and He knows my pain and my frustration and no doubt, as was spoken today, some of that frustration He has sent.
Why would God send frustration and pain? To make me uncomfortable. To force me to move out. To send me into my future fulfilling what He has called me to do and be. Deuteronomy 32:11 was one of many verses that God had for me today. "As an eagle stirs up its nest, hovers over its young, spreading out its wings, taking them up, carrying them on its wings..." A mother eagle takes care of her young but when it is time for them to head out on their own, she starts to stir the nest, pulling out the down and making the nest uncomfortable. By doing this, the babies are encouraged to move out and start spreading their wings to fly on their own. I can not tell you how many times I have dreamt of flying, being caught up and whisked upwards so fast it nearly takes my breath away. I have seen eagles in my dreams and have soared high above the clouds and have learned that to fly, I have to submit to Him and let Him carry me on His wings. When I try and do it on my own, I start to fall again. God wants to get me off of my comfortable rear end and get me soaring into my destiny. I don't know what that is but, I got up from my seat and knelt at the front in prophetic proclamation that I am here, right now, giving myself to you Abba to go where you have me to go. No matter how hard things become and regardless of what others around me think, I will follow you with all of my heart, leaning not on ME and MY understandings but letting you whisk me up into the upper atmosphere of You. How do I do that? By becoming more intimate with Him!
There is another dream that I have had. This too, never the same dream but the same power. I won't go into the details, as I don't feel I should at this time, but I will say it is an intimacy with Jesus unlike words could ever describe. I want that! I hunger desperately for that and know that this is my spirit and He touching in the stillness of the night. So, even when I'm not feeling like I want anything to do with Him, I really do! I have to stop hiding from Him and start burying my face into His chest, hear His heart beating, feel His breath on my face, get lost in His eyes.
Service ended with a prayer of protection to surround those that God had touched. Satan will always try and rush in and steal what God has done. My mind is a battlefield. My heart is still so tender. Satan will wound me any way he can even if it is just to flood my mind with criticalness, lust or bitter thoughts from pains from my past. Today, I lifted my hands for the first time in God only knows how long. I wanted to give up my all to Him. He knows how hard that is for me but I did it! I want you Lord!!!
So...
Satan says, "You're a 'effin know-it-all'!!!" God says, "You are a woman of knowledge!"
Satan says, "You're an idiot, a fool, and annoying!" God says, " You are a woman of wisdom"
Satain says, "You are weak! You can't do this any longer!!!" God says, "You are a strong woman. You are called to be a woman of great strength! Through Jesus Christ, you can endure and through that endurance, I will bring you into your calling and my glory will shine for all to see!!!"
Satan says, "You should follow the crowd and just do what everyone else does and says you should do." God says, "I didn't call you to be mainstream. I called you to follow ME; to be God-stream!"
Satan says, "You're not the social norm!" God says, "be EXTRAORDINARY!!!!"
In a recent conversation I had with my dad, he said that he's just a normal man and God can speak to him as He does anyone else. I told my dad that I refuse to settle and just be normal. I strive to be extraordinary and God speaks in extraordinary ways to those who refuse to settle being the "social norm"! God can use a donkey but I don't want to be an ASS! I want to be supernatural!!!!!!
Friday, November 25, 2011
Beyond the Day of Thanks
Thanksgiving day is terrific! Our society seems to skip over it now more than ever. We go from Halloween straight to Christmas skipping the day of being thankful for our nation and all that we are blessed with to go right to a day filled with greed. And of course, we don't have Black Friday anymore but now it started Thanksgiving night. Run out from family time, wait in line for hours long for stuff!!! Well, instead of making my list and checking it twice to make sure I've got all of my wants listed, I'm going to start my 1000 Gifts list. Just as my previous post, this will be an on-going list over time. But, here's the start:
1. Thankful for time with my sister filled with so much laughter that she got the hiccups.
2. Hot spiced apple cider and a crisp fall morning.
3. Rollie-pollie baby following me from one room to the next.
4. Crystal clear blue sky filled with warm happy sunshine.
5. Children's craft-wreaths hanging in the door.
6. Cartoons with great messages to give my little ones something different to occupy them with so I can have a little bit of time to ease into my day.
7. Indoor plumbing. (Could you imagine having to potty train or having to take yourself to a potty outside and in the cold???)
8. Independent toddler feet running through the house.
9. "Hi Mommy!" happily singing from my 2 year old when he spots me sitting there joyfully watching him.
10. Uncontrollable baby belly laughs accompanied by snorts and squeals : )
11. Tickle wars with my children; something that I can do that will always put smiles on their faces.
12. Tickle wars with my husband; something that brings us back to that first love and leaves us in a heap together breathless and happy.
13. Birthday lunch with my little girl; chocolate and powdered sugar all over her mouth and much needed giggles and happiness.
14. Kind strangers happy to take the camera and include me in a picture.
15. Prayers from total strangers. Every prayer offered up I hold as a gem in my life.
16. Unexpected Christmas given by a local hospital.
17. To help bring tears of delight in the midst of great sorrow and pain.
18. Bedtime stories, cooking shows, lots of cuddles on the couch at night.
19. Tylenol to sooth my sweet baby's pain.
20. "Chance" meeting of one willing to help me meet a desire.
1. Thankful for time with my sister filled with so much laughter that she got the hiccups.
2. Hot spiced apple cider and a crisp fall morning.
3. Rollie-pollie baby following me from one room to the next.
4. Crystal clear blue sky filled with warm happy sunshine.
5. Children's craft-wreaths hanging in the door.
6. Cartoons with great messages to give my little ones something different to occupy them with so I can have a little bit of time to ease into my day.
7. Indoor plumbing. (Could you imagine having to potty train or having to take yourself to a potty outside and in the cold???)
8. Independent toddler feet running through the house.
9. "Hi Mommy!" happily singing from my 2 year old when he spots me sitting there joyfully watching him.
10. Uncontrollable baby belly laughs accompanied by snorts and squeals : )
11. Tickle wars with my children; something that I can do that will always put smiles on their faces.
12. Tickle wars with my husband; something that brings us back to that first love and leaves us in a heap together breathless and happy.
13. Birthday lunch with my little girl; chocolate and powdered sugar all over her mouth and much needed giggles and happiness.
14. Kind strangers happy to take the camera and include me in a picture.
15. Prayers from total strangers. Every prayer offered up I hold as a gem in my life.
16. Unexpected Christmas given by a local hospital.
17. To help bring tears of delight in the midst of great sorrow and pain.
18. Bedtime stories, cooking shows, lots of cuddles on the couch at night.
19. Tylenol to sooth my sweet baby's pain.
20. "Chance" meeting of one willing to help me meet a desire.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
What If???
Not even all the way through the first chapter and I have to stop because already, she has hit the nail on the head for my life; the fear of the what ifs. She breaks it down to two types: fear of what will happen in the future and fear of having made poor choices in our past and how those choices and the here and now could have been different. Out of these two, the fear of the past is my greatest. Did I make the right choices for my life? Did I really hear God say this? Am I really where I am supposed to be and if not, where did I screw up at?!?!? I always feel like a failure in some way because of this fear and it really holds me back I think. I'm timid around people because what if I talk to much? What if I come across to them, another person, as an "effin know-it-all"? What if I offend them? What if they just don't like me? Being in business for myself, having to work closely with other people, I'm sure you can see where these fears really can become not just a hinderance but dangerous. Every negative encounter I have with another person only builds this fear up. Every time my dad or mom tells me of yet another person who has such not-so-lovely opinions of me, I sink even deeper. What if I had learned better social skills when I was younger; if I had actually had the maturity to see how everyone at times even backed away from me when they saw me coming and took that and learned THEN and changed THEN would I be struggling so much now? What if, what if, what if???? It is the question of my life.
Fear of the future? Oh, it plagues me too. Fear of my house catching on fire for one example. I don't know why but that became a life stopper for me once we bought our house. I literally would be half way to work, running late, but would turn around and come home just to make sure the hair dryer was unplugged. Part of my attached parenting has been for our children to sleep in our room. We originally agreed for them to until they were able to sleep in a toddler bed and could get up on there own. The reason for that initial choice came after reading a heart breaking story of a mom who's daughter (18 months old and in her crib) burned to death in a house fire. She couldn't get out and the couldn't get to her through the house. By the time they got to her window, her crib...her body was engulfed in flames. I sobbed unable to speak while my husband read over my shoulder to find out what had me so upset. Now, our oldest stayed in our room until she was just after four. We all loved having each other right there; mommy, daddy, children one, two and three. That fear was the beginnings of me being an attached parent. I love being an attached parent but also see that I need balance in that or I will suffocate my little ones as they grow and need more space, sun and air.
Fear of the future? Oh, it plagues me too. Fear of my house catching on fire for one example. I don't know why but that became a life stopper for me once we bought our house. I literally would be half way to work, running late, but would turn around and come home just to make sure the hair dryer was unplugged. Part of my attached parenting has been for our children to sleep in our room. We originally agreed for them to until they were able to sleep in a toddler bed and could get up on there own. The reason for that initial choice came after reading a heart breaking story of a mom who's daughter (18 months old and in her crib) burned to death in a house fire. She couldn't get out and the couldn't get to her through the house. By the time they got to her window, her crib...her body was engulfed in flames. I sobbed unable to speak while my husband read over my shoulder to find out what had me so upset. Now, our oldest stayed in our room until she was just after four. We all loved having each other right there; mommy, daddy, children one, two and three. That fear was the beginnings of me being an attached parent. I love being an attached parent but also see that I need balance in that or I will suffocate my little ones as they grow and need more space, sun and air.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Coming Out of Hiding
God, "Where are you?" Me, "I was afraid Lord, so I hid..."
Along with learning to live a life of thanksgiving, I am also learning how to not live a life filled with fear. I've started (actually, I've been sitting on page four for a few months LOL!) working on a second book called What Women Fear by Angie Smith. I think she and I are the same age or at least, very close. That is encouraging to me for some reason. Maybe that being young, I can still be filled with wisdom, can still be of great use to God; I don't have to be some magic age, ie. OLD.
I've finally gotten around to finishing the Introduction. In that first line, God gently nudged my heart. I've been angry. I've been afraid. When I am either or both, I "hide" from Him. I shut down and stop talking to Him. I don't pick up my Bible and eventually, I find myself in a downward spiral into depression. I've been depressed and suicidal. I've also seen God in a new way too. My once dead son is alive and well jabbering away in his crib right now. That sort of changes how one views the world, at least, it does for me. But, I still struggle. Meeting God in this new way, the powerful God really hears me, loves me and WILL NEVER LEAVE ME way has impacted me and changed me but certainly does not take the struggle away. Lately, the daily grind of life has been sanding away at me. My husband's job stinks, the pay stinks even worse, me and my husband and all four kids have been sick one right after the other and again and again and again and not just the sniffle sort of sick but natural child birth is easier than this sort of sick. In my effort to become more thankful, I've turned into a spoiled brat whining and complaining left and right about this and that. Part of that has been rooted in fear though; fear of failure, of loosing long carried dreams, of handing those dreams back to God, fear of did I even hear God. Fear leads to anger and who wants to talk to someone they are angry at? I sure don't! But, do I really have reason to be angry at God? I think we can be angry at God. My best friend has even told me that God is big enough to handle us being mad at him. He doesn't get mad at us. He just wants us to tell him, give it to him and then walk away from it trusting in his sovereignty. I'm struggling in that though, the walking away and trusting him part. I have total faith in him. My faith is unshaken. But trusting him? Hmm...that's a whole other thing. I have faith that God can but I don't trust that God will. My husband does though and for that, our youngest child is alive. While God promised my husband full healing for our son, I've been gripped with breath taking fear that maybe God really didn't say that. But, I have to hold on to it or I will never see the beauty of where my son is and that right now, he is doing as he ought to be. I fear our financial situation. A family of six on a single income of less that $37,000 makes life very tight. I want my business, the business that I believe God called me into and thus really is his, I want it to succeed but I fear that it, along with every other attempt I have made to help carry the financial burden for my husband, that it will fail. This failure is very personal though as this is not just another sells position but is art and art comes from within and is a bit of the artist and when that is rejected, for me, it is as though I am being rejected. I fear my kids will get sick with something really bad. That the cancer stories that keep crossing my path are to prepare me for one of my children or myself getting cancer. That because we don't vaccinate, because we believe God has told us not to, that one of our children will suffer greatly and the already critical voices surrounding us will blame us and say, "I told you so" and that we will loose our children. I fear the loss of our children at the hands of DHR at least every week (I can't say every day, though it is always in the back of my mind) with every action taken with my children that could even receive a cross look from an on-looker. I fear thunderstorms with a throat choking fear every time the sky turns dark since those April 2011 tornadoes, the big one having gone right over our house while I stood looking up into it. More bad weather today and I'm to be left alone with all four by myself. Juggling four little ones with impending disaster barreling down on you....it just makes me want to cry. So, it is safe to assume that yes, I am living a life in fear. :' (
I look forward to the next chapters and seeing what God speaks to me and if I can go from hiding from him to basking in his presence with him dancing over me.
Along with learning to live a life of thanksgiving, I am also learning how to not live a life filled with fear. I've started (actually, I've been sitting on page four for a few months LOL!) working on a second book called What Women Fear by Angie Smith. I think she and I are the same age or at least, very close. That is encouraging to me for some reason. Maybe that being young, I can still be filled with wisdom, can still be of great use to God; I don't have to be some magic age, ie. OLD.
I've finally gotten around to finishing the Introduction. In that first line, God gently nudged my heart. I've been angry. I've been afraid. When I am either or both, I "hide" from Him. I shut down and stop talking to Him. I don't pick up my Bible and eventually, I find myself in a downward spiral into depression. I've been depressed and suicidal. I've also seen God in a new way too. My once dead son is alive and well jabbering away in his crib right now. That sort of changes how one views the world, at least, it does for me. But, I still struggle. Meeting God in this new way, the powerful God really hears me, loves me and WILL NEVER LEAVE ME way has impacted me and changed me but certainly does not take the struggle away. Lately, the daily grind of life has been sanding away at me. My husband's job stinks, the pay stinks even worse, me and my husband and all four kids have been sick one right after the other and again and again and again and not just the sniffle sort of sick but natural child birth is easier than this sort of sick. In my effort to become more thankful, I've turned into a spoiled brat whining and complaining left and right about this and that. Part of that has been rooted in fear though; fear of failure, of loosing long carried dreams, of handing those dreams back to God, fear of did I even hear God. Fear leads to anger and who wants to talk to someone they are angry at? I sure don't! But, do I really have reason to be angry at God? I think we can be angry at God. My best friend has even told me that God is big enough to handle us being mad at him. He doesn't get mad at us. He just wants us to tell him, give it to him and then walk away from it trusting in his sovereignty. I'm struggling in that though, the walking away and trusting him part. I have total faith in him. My faith is unshaken. But trusting him? Hmm...that's a whole other thing. I have faith that God can but I don't trust that God will. My husband does though and for that, our youngest child is alive. While God promised my husband full healing for our son, I've been gripped with breath taking fear that maybe God really didn't say that. But, I have to hold on to it or I will never see the beauty of where my son is and that right now, he is doing as he ought to be. I fear our financial situation. A family of six on a single income of less that $37,000 makes life very tight. I want my business, the business that I believe God called me into and thus really is his, I want it to succeed but I fear that it, along with every other attempt I have made to help carry the financial burden for my husband, that it will fail. This failure is very personal though as this is not just another sells position but is art and art comes from within and is a bit of the artist and when that is rejected, for me, it is as though I am being rejected. I fear my kids will get sick with something really bad. That the cancer stories that keep crossing my path are to prepare me for one of my children or myself getting cancer. That because we don't vaccinate, because we believe God has told us not to, that one of our children will suffer greatly and the already critical voices surrounding us will blame us and say, "I told you so" and that we will loose our children. I fear the loss of our children at the hands of DHR at least every week (I can't say every day, though it is always in the back of my mind) with every action taken with my children that could even receive a cross look from an on-looker. I fear thunderstorms with a throat choking fear every time the sky turns dark since those April 2011 tornadoes, the big one having gone right over our house while I stood looking up into it. More bad weather today and I'm to be left alone with all four by myself. Juggling four little ones with impending disaster barreling down on you....it just makes me want to cry. So, it is safe to assume that yes, I am living a life in fear. :' (
I look forward to the next chapters and seeing what God speaks to me and if I can go from hiding from him to basking in his presence with him dancing over me.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Thanks in Place of Complaints
Ok, so I started with all these reasons to be thankful but have only found myself complaining all the more. I'm sure Satan is having a blast yanking me around as I take steps to grow and better myself. This morning I told God that I feel like the Israelites. For all that God had been to them, they still strayed to other gods, they still feared, they still cursed Him and when God offered them everything, they still demanded their own will. I've read through the OT and at so many points have found myself so ticked at these guys! Seriously, AGAIN?!?!? But, isn't that how we all really are? At least, I know that's true for myself. I don't like it and recognize it is a problem so, sticking with the thanksgiving, knowing that in EVERYTHING I am to give Him THANKS, I am turning my complaints into moments of thanksgiving. Some of these things will be a huge stretch for me and for anyone who has done any working out, you know stretching is important but can be painful. But in the end, it is so much better that you do.
This list will be a growing list. So, stop back in from time to time and see what other complaint-turned-thanksgiving I've added.
This list will be a growing list. So, stop back in from time to time and see what other complaint-turned-thanksgiving I've added.
1. Thank you that my births have been painful and have left me broken hearted. In my pain, I am a broken vessel to show your miracle of healing.
2. Thank you that my baby died in my last birth. In his death, You and only You can take all glory for his resurrection and his total healing.
3. Thank you for 6 spirits that have left my womb and gone to you. I have learned that You truly do love me and through their short lives, have been stepping stones in bringing me closer to you. That through their loss, I have been able to give to others compassion, love and counsel. That I have been an open voice to a world that wants to forget those lost.
4. Thank you that money is so tight for us. Through our financial hardship, You are teaching us how to be frugal and wiser with what we do have.
5. Thank you for dreams that seem out of our reach. It means that we have to rely totally on you to achieve those dreams. That those dreams are NOT out of YOUR reach. That if those dreams come to pass, that they will have been not just our dreams but Your dreams FOR us. Those dreams would be really gifts.
6. Thank you for vigorous life-filled hands beating toys against newly painted walls. Little hands that are not rotting with the decay of death; little hands that are not limp and lifeless because of brain damage. Thank you once more for my precious baby boy. Thank you once more and not enough for all of my children, held and unheld.
7. Thank you for searing sun and rain filled clouds and beautiful black-brown soil to help dig me out of my dark of depression and remind me of the joys of living outside in the nature that You created and gave for us to enjoy in our time here on Earth.
8. Thank you for mothers that mother me as I walk motherless and in pain. Through them I see You answering my prayer for You to ultimately mother me so that I can see how to mother my own children.
6. Thank you for vigorous life-filled hands beating toys against newly painted walls. Little hands that are not rotting with the decay of death; little hands that are not limp and lifeless because of brain damage. Thank you once more for my precious baby boy. Thank you once more and not enough for all of my children, held and unheld.
7. Thank you for searing sun and rain filled clouds and beautiful black-brown soil to help dig me out of my dark of depression and remind me of the joys of living outside in the nature that You created and gave for us to enjoy in our time here on Earth.
8. Thank you for mothers that mother me as I walk motherless and in pain. Through them I see You answering my prayer for You to ultimately mother me so that I can see how to mother my own children.
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