Three Letter Word

"Turn Your ear to me, come quickly to my rescue; be my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me...lead and guide me....You saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul....Be merciful to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief.  my life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning' my strength fails because of my affliction and my bones grow weak....I am the utter contempt of my neighbors' I am a dread to my friends [and family]-those who see me flee from me.  I am forgotten by them as though I were dead; I have become like broken pottery for I hear the slander of many....[Satan] plots to take my life."

Psalm 31 has been my resting place in scripture this week.  It has been so close of a reflection to what my life has turned into.  I have been battling a very intense and deep depression, a broken heart so deeply wounded that my heart literally hurts and breathing is labored at simple exertion.  I've thought myself to be a strong woman but here lately, not only have I realized that I am quite the opposite, I've realized that all of my growth in Jesus has really not been nearly as much as I thought.  I know we will never reach perfection or "enough" but to see just how bad off I really am just makes my heart want to stop.  I told my husband that I want to die.  I want it to end.  I want all of this misery to just go away.  The only thing keeping me here is him and my sweet babies.  I don't want to heap agony on them that would come if I died but then I think, "what am I really giving them?!?!?"  I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how right my heart, no matter how good my intention, no matter how hard I work, no matter how far I go out of my way.....no matter what, it is never enough.  Why keep going?  I feel totally broken and of no use but that I am stepped on by all and cutting everyone as they pass my life by.  I know Satan wants me dead.  Worthless or not, any life he can claim, he'll take it.

But.

That one little three letter word is so powerful.  It makes my little one's giggle (because they don't know the difference between but and butt and they know butt is not a word they are supposed to say but they can say but...), it can shatter dreams, it can let down, it can forever change a life for good or for bad.

"BUT, I trust in you, O Lord.  How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you.  in the shelter of your presence you hide them from the intrigues of men; in your dwelling you keep them safe from accusing tongues.  Love the Lord, all His saints!  The Lord preseves the faithful...be strong and take heart all you how HOPE in the Lord."

I've grown so much BUT....but here I am, so earth-anchored I can't seem to even see much anymore.  Bible study Thursday night compared those who are earth-anchored vs. those who are heaven-anchored.  I sat in utter shock at how worldly I really am.  My question has been, "Lord, where have I gone wrong???"  How can I have come all this way but still be so terribly far off?  How can I have felt You so intimately but be so filthy and wicked???  How can I be washed by the Blood of Jesus Christ but feel hell licking me every which way I turn?  How am I so lost????

I've thought myself to be filled with the Holy Spirit but as I lay in bed thinking on the service and how hopeless I feel and how I should be filled with hope if I am filled with the Holy Spirit and it hit me; when was I filled with the Holy Spirit???  A moment like that should be something that you don't forget.  I mean, the first people who were filled with the Holy Spirit are still remembered and looked up to through scripture, art, songs, story.  I do not have any memory of the moment when my life was filled, taken control of, by the Holy Spirit.  Yes, I know I have a relationship with Jesus and I know that I know His voice and that He has used me but God also used an ass : /  That doesn't mean much.  God will use anyone that is willing for Him to use...even a non-believer can be used by God to minister Truth.  That happened to my husband.

It is time for a change in my life; a radical, monumental, never to be forgotten change.  It is time for me to change but not in conforming to those around me making me what makes them comfortable but it is time for me to change my anchor.  In order to change my anchor, I've got to be filled with Hope.  I've got to be filled with the one who is Hope, the Holy Spirit.  I don't know how to go about this but if I want power in my life, if I want peace in my life, if I want a life a full and a purpose driven life, if I truly want to be used by God to serve Him and help change the world for Him, I have to be full of Him.  The hate, anger, blood-thirsty rage-filled thoughts, the frustration, the lack of peace, chaos, inability to let go and most importantly to forgive...all of this in me means I am filled with Satan.  Ooooo!  That's a hard thing to say.  As I type this, a memory of this week's pain hits me and my stomach knots and I just feel like I am back at square one and all of yester-years progresses have been a total waste.

But.....I will trust in you, O Lord.  I want to give up but You keep calling me.  I feel hopeless but You say life's worth living.  I feel helpless but You say I am and that's why I am to cry out to Jesus.  I feel worthless but You say I am worth dying for.  I say I am lonely and hurting but You say, "I am with you and waiting to heal you."  I say I don't know how but you say, "just keep following after me."  

Weak, weary, tired, battered and broken, I come Lord.  I may be filled with Satan but I am covered by Your Blood.  Your covering, Your love, Your mercy and grace is sweetness that I crave for and we all know a woman with a craving is unstoppable until that craving is fulfilled.

Just. Keep. Breathing.....

More and more often are the days so hard to get through.  The depression is just so overwhelming that it seems that my body almost forgets to breath.  I don't want to breath sometimes.  I just want it all to end.  I don't want to hurt any more.  I don't want to be cut any more.  I don't want to be punched, spit on, belittled, tore down, unwanted....I feel so unwanted and so alone.  No matter how right my heart beats, it's never good enough and I'm always making someone mad and once again, I've lost love and stand in the dark so crushed that the tears can not hardly even come.  The horizon is light by night lights and I just want to fly away.  Most days all I can think about is, "Jesus, hurry and come".  I can't kill myself but the thoughts are there.  I just want it to end.  I want the misery to end.  I want the pain to end.  I want to be loved by those I love and wanted by those I want.  I want what I have to offer to be wanted and received instead of being a constant thorn in the side of everyone.  I hate my life.  I love my husband.  I love my children.  But, everything else in my life is pain and misery and I hate it.  My heart is so broken that I'm physically suffering severe chest pains and my body just can hardly move.  Breath.  Breath.  Breath.  It's so hard.

Fifteen months ago, my best friend walked the streets with me while I labored.  I walked my body to pure exhaustion and everything shut down and she went home and I went to bed.  For another birth, I was left by the woman that I wanted by my side.  This birth though, instead of excruciating loneliness, I gave birth to a dead baby.  I couldn't even get her to answer the phone when I needed her the most.  I went through 3 and 1/2 weeks of life in the NICU alone with only one visit from her.  No anger then though.  I was so thankful for my baby to have been given back to me.  For my once dead baby to be alive and well.  However, when the times are reversed and she's in labor, I try and give all that I can for her and her family.  I try and be all that I needed from her but FOR her.  This bitch that she carried this baby for though robbed me of these final moments.  Here, I had walked through this surrogacy pregnancy with my best friend only for this bitch who doesn't deserve this precious little boy to take it away from me.  And what hurts all the more is that my friend allowed her to.  I got to the hospital and advocated for my best friend.  I took her defense and encouraged everyone else to do the same.  To allow her to birth how she needed to birth and not be bullied by nurses to birth how they wanted her to birth.  I thought of her and prayed for her and this little boy.  I gently tried to advocate for this innocent baby who's bitch of a biological mother was going to cut him and I get REMed out by my best friend's husband.  Here, their family has sacrificed for a couple to give them a baby and this couple didn't care diddly squat for them but then when they get pissed off at me, instead of telling them to shut up, they're about to get their baby and can move on with their own miserably selfish lives, I get it.  WHERE IS MY ADVOCATE?!?!?  Why am I treated like shit?!?!?  All I wanted was to give to her and love her and love this little baby and be a part of this amazing moment, to be a part of this little boy's life in some way...a great way.  I feel once again like I'm holding a dead baby.  I invested my heart in this and at the end have to walk away empty.  I thought such horrible thoughts...thoughts that I couldn't even say to my husband because if the tongue holds the power of life and death, the blood would have run freely.  I hate her.  I hate that this woman was able to pay for a kid.  The first thing this bitch did for her unborn child was to find a daycare to dump him in.  The first thing she did to her newly born son was cut him.

So, it's not so Godly to be calling her a bitch but I'm so angry and hurt that I just don't even care right now.  I'm always the bad guy so why not?!?!?  If I'm gonna piss someone off, I guess it ought to be for something for real instead of thin skin and stupidity.

I guess I'm without my friend now.  All because I advocated for her and this baby.  All because I loved her and this baby.  All because I spoke love and tenderness and truth.  Not much of an incentive to love when love just leaves you crushed.  All of the above is just piled high on top of the mountain of agony I'm already dealing with.  Depression has got a vice grip on me and I feel like a black hole pulling nothing but death into me.