More and more often are the days so hard to get through. The depression is just so overwhelming that it seems that my body almost forgets to breath. I don't want to breath sometimes. I just want it all to end. I don't want to hurt any more. I don't want to be cut any more. I don't want to be punched, spit on, belittled, tore down, unwanted....I feel so unwanted and so alone. No matter how right my heart beats, it's never good enough and I'm always making someone mad and once again, I've lost love and stand in the dark so crushed that the tears can not hardly even come. The horizon is light by night lights and I just want to fly away. Most days all I can think about is, "Jesus, hurry and come". I can't kill myself but the thoughts are there. I just want it to end. I want the misery to end. I want the pain to end. I want to be loved by those I love and wanted by those I want. I want what I have to offer to be wanted and received instead of being a constant thorn in the side of everyone. I hate my life. I love my husband. I love my children. But, everything else in my life is pain and misery and I hate it. My heart is so broken that I'm physically suffering severe chest pains and my body just can hardly move. Breath. Breath. Breath. It's so hard.
Fifteen months ago, my best friend walked the streets with me while I labored. I walked my body to pure exhaustion and everything shut down and she went home and I went to bed. For another birth, I was left by the woman that I wanted by my side. This birth though, instead of excruciating loneliness, I gave birth to a dead baby. I couldn't even get her to answer the phone when I needed her the most. I went through 3 and 1/2 weeks of life in the NICU alone with only one visit from her. No anger then though. I was so thankful for my baby to have been given back to me. For my once dead baby to be alive and well. However, when the times are reversed and she's in labor, I try and give all that I can for her and her family. I try and be all that I needed from her but FOR her. This bitch that she carried this baby for though robbed me of these final moments. Here, I had walked through this surrogacy pregnancy with my best friend only for this bitch who doesn't deserve this precious little boy to take it away from me. And what hurts all the more is that my friend allowed her to. I got to the hospital and advocated for my best friend. I took her defense and encouraged everyone else to do the same. To allow her to birth how she needed to birth and not be bullied by nurses to birth how they wanted her to birth. I thought of her and prayed for her and this little boy. I gently tried to advocate for this innocent baby who's bitch of a biological mother was going to cut him and I get REMed out by my best friend's husband. Here, their family has sacrificed for a couple to give them a baby and this couple didn't care diddly squat for them but then when they get pissed off at me, instead of telling them to shut up, they're about to get their baby and can move on with their own miserably selfish lives, I get it. WHERE IS MY ADVOCATE?!?!? Why am I treated like shit?!?!? All I wanted was to give to her and love her and love this little baby and be a part of this amazing moment, to be a part of this little boy's life in some way...a great way. I feel once again like I'm holding a dead baby. I invested my heart in this and at the end have to walk away empty. I thought such horrible thoughts...thoughts that I couldn't even say to my husband because if the tongue holds the power of life and death, the blood would have run freely. I hate her. I hate that this woman was able to pay for a kid. The first thing this bitch did for her unborn child was to find a daycare to dump him in. The first thing she did to her newly born son was cut him.
So, it's not so Godly to be calling her a bitch but I'm so angry and hurt that I just don't even care right now. I'm always the bad guy so why not?!?!? If I'm gonna piss someone off, I guess it ought to be for something for real instead of thin skin and stupidity.
I guess I'm without my friend now. All because I advocated for her and this baby. All because I loved her and this baby. All because I spoke love and tenderness and truth. Not much of an incentive to love when love just leaves you crushed. All of the above is just piled high on top of the mountain of agony I'm already dealing with. Depression has got a vice grip on me and I feel like a black hole pulling nothing but death into me.
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