These past several months, my life has fallen apart. An "addiction" from old has risen up and gripped my heart like never before. I've sadly had another miscarriage. Depression has drug me back down to the bottom again and I ended up in the ICU this time. I have felt so defeated. I FEEL so defeated. How can I have come so far and be back here again; back at square one at the bottom of the pit? As I pursue my long term goal of counseling, I have felt like I have so far to go before I can be of any use. I have believed that I have to overcome all of this in order to help others over come there issues. I have felt some what relieved that I have so much school still to go because I'm going to need a life time to be able to be of any good. So I thought at least.
There is this lovely lady in my life who has become quite a treasured friend. Someone who I thought would never care a thing for me loves me and carries my burden and is probably, next to my husband, the least condemning person I have ever met. We sat in this little diner and she let me pour out all of my mess and she took it all without the slightest cringe. In working with me through my disaster of a life, she shared some of her personal struggles and I sat surprised. Not AT her struggles but that she does struggle. While we all know in our heads that everyone is imperfect, there is this heart battle that most all women deal with; that this woman or that woman has it all together and is perfect and we long so much to be this ideal woman. To learn that not only does she make mistakes but that she has walked some of the same roads as you, well....just blew my mind and gave me peace and comfort. I'm not alone after all.
From this conversation and much mulling over it over the past few days, I believe that God has given me a nugget; I don't have to be perfect and I certainly do not have to overcome my problems in order to be able to help others. In my mind, I see victory as in worldly terms. The war is fought and won and over. And while I still want it to be that way and while a life of war leaves me wanting to crawl into the nearest hole and not come for a very long time, victory....overcoming in the spirit world is different. Maybe I'm not really at square one after all.
I will never overcome depression. And, this "addiction" will most likely walk through my life with me. I have choices to make day after day and and how I choose will determine victory or defeat. The battle will only be won in eternity. I can't control depression. I'm sick. It's possibly genetic but very much a part of who I am. But, I still have choices. I can choose to get up and do something, even if it is just getting that couch full of clothes folded and put away. I can choose to take it out on my children or breath deeply and bite my tongue. I can choose to live, literally. When all I can think about is death, I can choose life and keep breathing and get through one more day. Every day that I live, every day that I am productive, every day that I love my family enough to put them before me, I overcome. Can God heal the depression? Of course. I will always hope for that. But, just as Paul had to live with his thorn, I may have to live with this one. As for my "addiction"? I've made it 7 years. I can make it longer. And once I cross that line, keep on going. I want it removed so badly so that I don't have to make that choice but 7 years has shown that that is not going to happen. I will have to overcome by taking back my mind, my heart, my body, my spirit and giving it where it is supposed to be; God and my husband. I don't know how to do all of that and my heart hurts so badly right now but today.... today has been an ok day. But I am still far from overcoming. One day I may have victory and the next, I may be defeated but God's mercies are new every day so the next day can be victorious. It's not over until my spirit leaves my body.
In counseling, I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to have it all together. I don't have to have overcome it all. I just have to be going and be ahead of the person that I'm leading. We are all vision impaired. Even the greatest counselor has their daily struggles. Just some of us are seeing more clearly than others. So, we put our glasses on and hold out our hand in hope that someone ahead of us will grab us and we hold out our other hand to grab someone else behind us and we all keep going through life, hand in hand. At least, that is how it ought to be. I have found this to not be so easy amongst the Body of Christ.
There are certain sins that the Church accepts (that's another post for another day). There are other sins that the Church can rally around and help the individual to freedom. Then, there are sins that the Church bugs out and leaves those broken individuals behind. Because I'm that broken one that has been bugged out on, because my husband is the broken one ignored, because my children are living in confusion without leaders to help comfort and offer peace, I am not going to be just a counselor, but a true Christian counselor. I will have people like my husband and friend to model after on what to be and lots of other Christians to model what not to be. When a Christian is broken and hurting, they need a safe place to heal and get back up, surrounded by fellow Christians who love them, not condemn them or even back away appalled at their struggles. I've been through a lot. I am going through a lot. I think that changes your perspective when helping others who have hit rock bottom.
