What Defines Us?

Sunday's service left me with a wash of emotions; angry at God, angry at myself, frustrated, hurting but knowing that all of this day was ordained by God to speak to me.  In that, there is so much thankfulness and joy to be found.  He, the God of EVERYTHING, wants and does speak to me!

Resume vs. God's promises in a nutshell is Sunday's message.  God calls us to move and we pull out one of two things, our resume of our failures or the promises that He has given us.  It's so easy to pull out that resume though.  It's tangable, there in the moment...every moment...we can never seem to escape it.  It is who we are and so much of who we are really is just a tangled mess!  But, to hold tight to God's promises, now that's a toughie!  God's promises are things spoken to us through scripture and there is a world full of debate just on that.  Then, there are those things spoken to our spirits, our hearts through visions, dreams or just random nuggets dropped on us seemingly out of nowhere.  These things can't be proven.  They are not tangable.  There is no proof.  We just have to step out into nothingness and trust, hope, have faith that He is there, right where He says He will be, just when He needs to be there.  But, that may actually mean we fall a bit and that flip flop in our stomach as we go down is unforgetable.  That rush of adrenaline when our feet actually land on a solid path that we couldn't see...unimaginable!  

Despite time and time and time again of God speaking to us, laying out promises before us and then prooving Himself to be trustworthy, failure continues to define who we are...who I am.  As hard as my loving husband tries to lift me up, all I can see most days are the plethera of mistakes that I've made in such a short day.  The same mistakes that I made the day before and the day before that and the day before that.  To add to that, all those around me who are successful at the things I'm failing at.  Why them?  Why not me?  How is it that they, THEY can be successful but for once, JUST ONCE PLEASE can I not succeed at something so dear to me???  I try so hard.  I invest so much; money, time, my family, ME and all because I am following what I believe to be a vision to help my husband, my family and others but no, what I have is just not good enough.  Every single thing.  Failure in some way or another.  So, how can I see anything other than that big, fat, red F on my resume???  

So, what is supposed to define us?  God.  What God sees when He looks at us.  All I can imagine is that He's got His arms crossed with a scowl on His face shaking His head at me 'cause once again, I'm messing it all up.  I know that isn't true but really...how does  He see me?

I don't have some great and amazing answer to end this with.  This is it.  A question.  But, I know somewhere out there, I'm not the only person feeling this way and that I am His beloved and that He does actually smile down on me...even if it's just when I'm sleeping ; )  But, the day in and day out still resound the question of who am I and what am I in You?  How do I live in how YOU define me instead of how my life and the world around me and ME has defined me?

A New Start

I started college again this week!  I dropped out several years ago and never planned to go back.  I'm smart but organized education, the system, grades, well, we just don't get along very well at all.  It was a struggle all through high school and college was a total flop!  My GPA was barely above academic probation and I was wasting so much time and moreso, money.  But, that was then and I'm a new woman from who I was back then. 

Shortly after my youngest child was born, my prayers of what the heck am I supposed to make of myself, above wife and mother, were finally starting to be answered.  I am majoring in psychology and will add a minor of sociology to the list closer to my finishing up my major requirements.  Right now, my long term goal is to go on to get my Masters in Counseling.  I have a few other dreams that will tie into that but that's for another day.  Today, I'm going back into time, cleaning up some of my mess ups from my last go at college, learning from my ancestors and taking every opportunity that I can to continue refining my photography skills. 


I've thrown a temper tantrum or two, or three, or four, or....(ok....I don't always set a good example for my little ones LOL!!!!) about WHY WON'T MY BUSINESS GO ANYWHERE!!!!!  But, as this week has gone by, I have surprised myself and my husband about how diligent I have been at not only staying on top of my reading and homework but that I'm ahead AND even better at keeping up with the house AND the little ones' homeschooling!!!  I am really on a roll here!  I am very excited and even, for once, proud of myself.  I'm sitting back and resting in the fact that this business isn't for me but is for God (though, I still have to remind myself of that quite often when I see yet another photographer pop onto the scene and their business seeming to take off without a hitch) and He will supply all of my needs when it is the right time and that includes this part of my life.  This came at a specific time possibly to help drive me to where I am today but if it were more than just random pics here and there, I might drown in having too much to keep up with.  So, I thank Him for all I have today, continue to prepare for tomorrow to the best of my ability and try again to just trust that I WILL be who He has called me to be and in the season that He has set for me!

Here is the start of a new path in my life.  But, I dare not start it without His lamp unto my feet and His light unto my path.  While I'm studying history, His story is the greatest and needs to lead the way in all that I do.

My Hardest Struggle

For a majority of my life, I have battled depression really bad.  I have lots of ups and downs and then have had a few severe downs that nearly cost me my life.  I'm not bipolar (medically at least) but isn't that life?  Aren't we all bipolar???  I don't know anyone who coasts at a totally even keel (though, I wish I had far fewer downs).  To flat line, we'd be dead and that does no one any good, now does it?

Here lately, I'm finding myself struggling again to not slip downward.  As I'm getting older and wiser, I'm seeing the signs sooner and sooner but still finding it so hard to find the will to fight them.  Depression just sucks the wind out of me.  I don't want to do anything.  I'm exhausted and while a good deal of that is due to having an infant and four children in total, there is always this darkness somewhere in my life.  Some times, it's far, far off with the sun is beaming down but there's that one shadow...lurking...waiting...haunting me.  Then, there's days like here lately; dark clouds rumbling with thunder in the distance and the sky looking like all Hell is just waiting to unfurl itself on me.  And so, I speak things into Light and that helps to drive the raging storm back a bit...enough to breath in a deep breath...sigh out a small amount of bubbling pressure and hope that with the next breath, I'm breathing in Jehovah Shalom.  I need my Lord of Peace to ride in like Gandolph in The Lord of the Rings shining His glorious light so bright that all of Hell has to flee and we ride to a land of milk and honey where His promises will all be fulfilled.  I know that on this side of eternity, perfect peace will not be found.  There will be many trials and hardships.  But, I'm so tired.  I need an oasis to spring up in the midst of my dessert so that I can have rest for my weary soul.  I am alone through much of my life.  Other than my husband, I have no one to turn to.  My friends have deserted me, family is busy with there own lives and I'm just so vastly different from them, I don't think they could offer much help anyway.  We just see things so differently.  I have a church family but I feel like I'm always expected to give, give, give more of myself, my time, my money and I just don't have anymore to give.  I feel guilty taking anymore though too.  I feel damned if I do, damned if I don't.  I feel so defeated.  I try and carry some of the burden for my husband by trying to bring money into the home but all of my efforts have fallen to failure.  I have a gifting that I've tried to use to have a small business but even that I've failed at.  So much time, money and hard work has been poured into it and for very little back.  I feel like I'm kicked, tossed, battered, run over, torn, shredded and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.  How long must we continue to endure suffering?!?!  There have been the greatest blessings but then the joy just is swallowed up by endless crashing waves of life in this world.

I'm lonely.  So lonely it hurts.  Even now, I type my random thoughts into emptiness.  No one to read this.  Randomness floating around in cyber world.  But, at least I can get it out...breath in, sigh, release a bit and inhale again....reflecting on all God has given me, feeling condemned for struggling once again with depression, thankful for God's grace and that condemnation is not of Him but of Satan and waiting again for God's purpose in my life to shine through the darkness and to be steered toward my Promised Land.

The HUGE Debate

Early on in my motherhood, I discovered several things that bring about heated debate but one of the greatest is that of to vaccinate or not to vaccinate.  My mainstream upbringing said without hesitation that you vaccinate.  It's the best thing for your child and for the whole of humanity.  But, something inside of me just never agreed.  Every time I took my oldest for her shots, I just wanted to run away with her.  But, it was best!  My second child...the same.  I'll never forget two nurses on either side of him with me holding my baby down while they jabbed him in both legs at the same time.  He was so panicked he could hardly breath!  But, this was best....right?!?!?  Third child and still I continued to vaccinate until his 6 month vaccines.  He came home and got a really high fever and very lethargic.  I didn't know then that there was a government number to call to report adverse reactions to vaccines.  In fact, I didn't really even know that there were so many bad things that could happen from vaccinating our children from just a swelling of the injection site and mild fever to dangerously high fever, seizures and even death!  From this point on, I could no longer ignore that still small voice that had been telling me all this time to NOT vaccinate my children.  Every time my third child's "well visit" time would come around for me to make the appointment, I would become physically ill.  When I would submit to this non-mainstream choice, I would feel at peace once again.  But, this didn't provide any answers and ESPECIALLY for doctors and other government officials who would eventually make their way into our family's life.  I used to think, "how could I ever make an informed decision on vaccinations?!?!?  I don't have a degree...a doctors degree....a pharmaceutical degree...ANY degree!!!!  This is way over my head.  I can't!"  That was no longer good enough though.  As my life was spinning faster and faster like a coin going around and down that funnel-sort-of-game that some stores have, God has been putting me in a place where I had no choice but to start learning.  God did not give these children to the doctors or to the government but he gave them to us to raise.  He did not call us to make blind decisions but to be informed and ignorant of nothing!  I may not be able to have ALL of the answers, but that wasn't what I needed.  I just needed to try.  And so, I began the long, slow and tedious journey of digging into this whole vaccination debate.

Thankfully, our state gives exemptions for religious reasons and medical reasons.  Some states require you to be of a specific religious affiliation to claim religious exemption (though, this is unconstitutional and not uphold-able) but not here.  Some states have an exemption for philosophical beliefs.  Our state does not but thankfully, because there is no specific affiliation that we "must" be a part of, we can say our convictions are religious even though this is not a part of our denomination.  After the tradgic ending to our unassisted homebirth of our youngest child, DHR (Department of Human Resources) became involved in our home and required access to our children's medical records.  We knew it was only a matter of time before the vaccines would be pushed on us or our children very likely would be taken away from us.  My husband, abet a knee jerk reaction out of fear, was ready to take the kids to the pediatrician and get them up to date.  This would have been SEVERAL vaccinations at once and I felt more helpless at this time than ever before.  We were getting tremendous amounts of pressure from my family, the doctors and now the government and the pressure felt like a pressure cooker ready to blow it's lid!  I called my best friend and unloaded on her.  She and her husband stopped vaccination their kids and had a lot of information at hand.  She called her husband and her husband called mine and simply offered encouragement and support and reminded him of what his rights were.  I felt that our marriage was soon to fall apart.  If he did this, if something horrible happened to our children now or later because of this, I just didn't know what was going to happen.  Hours went by (I was still in the hospital with our youngest while he was with our other three).  I was sick, nails bitten to nubs and a wreak.  He finally made his choice.  He was taking the kids to the health department but not for their vaccinations but for their religious exemptions.  The pressure cooker valve had been released and the steam instantly shot out relieving this immense pressure inside of me.  It wasn't anything anyone had said to him but what God had opened his eyes to see.  He didn't to to any "crunchy, hippy, grassroots" sites but to the CDC primarily and whatever he read made up his mind that vaccinating our children was not the best for them but that he did indeed have a way around the government pressure that they couldn't touch with a metaphorical 10 foot pole!  And, sure enough, that put an end to that situation...from the government end of things.  I still had doctors to contend with.  I still HAVE doctors to contend with.

Once our youngest was home from the hospital, we had a follow up appointment with the Infectious Disease doctor.  Much to my surprise, he was very open to my concerns, sat and listened with interest and began to address the information I presented in a totally different way than I thought.  My concerns were legitimate!  There are legitimate concerns on the anti-vaccination side of the issue and the parts that I brought up were not just bogus, fear driven fears but legit concerns.  One of the doctors addressed my heavy metal and formaldehyde concerns with, "it's just such a small amount though".  She had no response to my come back of, "there is no recommended SAFE dosage for ANY person of ANY age."  This trip was all I needed to hear to tie up those loose ends in my head that maybe I was wrong..."loving my children to death" as one family member told me....hearing God wrong like another suggested.    

I have continued to have concerns on both sides.  I fear pertussis and tetanus and if these two could be vaccinated for individually, I probably would do so.  But, these are not available any longer.  Every single time I have nearly made up my mind on at least giving them the DTap, "random" information makes its way to me about this vaccine and its dangers.  (I don't believe in just random but that the footsteps of the righteous are ordered by the Lord and when we are seeking His face and his will for our lives, that he will provide what we need when we need it even as random as it sometimes seems.)  Once again, when I settle down and rest in God's will for my family's lives, I find peace even when faced with the fight against the mainstream beliefs.