For a majority of my life, I have battled depression really bad. I have lots of ups and downs and then have had a few severe downs that nearly cost me my life. I'm not bipolar (medically at least) but isn't that life? Aren't we all bipolar??? I don't know anyone who coasts at a totally even keel (though, I wish I had far fewer downs). To flat line, we'd be dead and that does no one any good, now does it?
Here lately, I'm finding myself struggling again to not slip downward. As I'm getting older and wiser, I'm seeing the signs sooner and sooner but still finding it so hard to find the will to fight them. Depression just sucks the wind out of me. I don't want to do anything. I'm exhausted and while a good deal of that is due to having an infant and four children in total, there is always this darkness somewhere in my life. Some times, it's far, far off with the sun is beaming down but there's that one shadow...lurking...waiting...haunting me. Then, there's days like here lately; dark clouds rumbling with thunder in the distance and the sky looking like all Hell is just waiting to unfurl itself on me. And so, I speak things into Light and that helps to drive the raging storm back a bit...enough to breath in a deep breath...sigh out a small amount of bubbling pressure and hope that with the next breath, I'm breathing in Jehovah Shalom. I need my Lord of Peace to ride in like Gandolph in The Lord of the Rings shining His glorious light so bright that all of Hell has to flee and we ride to a land of milk and honey where His promises will all be fulfilled. I know that on this side of eternity, perfect peace will not be found. There will be many trials and hardships. But, I'm so tired. I need an oasis to spring up in the midst of my dessert so that I can have rest for my weary soul. I am alone through much of my life. Other than my husband, I have no one to turn to. My friends have deserted me, family is busy with there own lives and I'm just so vastly different from them, I don't think they could offer much help anyway. We just see things so differently. I have a church family but I feel like I'm always expected to give, give, give more of myself, my time, my money and I just don't have anymore to give. I feel guilty taking anymore though too. I feel damned if I do, damned if I don't. I feel so defeated. I try and carry some of the burden for my husband by trying to bring money into the home but all of my efforts have fallen to failure. I have a gifting that I've tried to use to have a small business but even that I've failed at. So much time, money and hard work has been poured into it and for very little back. I feel like I'm kicked, tossed, battered, run over, torn, shredded and there is no light at the end of the tunnel. How long must we continue to endure suffering?!?! There have been the greatest blessings but then the joy just is swallowed up by endless crashing waves of life in this world.
I'm lonely. So lonely it hurts. Even now, I type my random thoughts into emptiness. No one to read this. Randomness floating around in cyber world. But, at least I can get it out...breath in, sigh, release a bit and inhale again....reflecting on all God has given me, feeling condemned for struggling once again with depression, thankful for God's grace and that condemnation is not of Him but of Satan and waiting again for God's purpose in my life to shine through the darkness and to be steered toward my Promised Land.
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