Sunday's service left me with a wash of emotions; angry at God, angry at myself, frustrated, hurting but knowing that all of this day was ordained by God to speak to me. In that, there is so much thankfulness and joy to be found. He, the God of EVERYTHING, wants and does speak to me!
Resume vs. God's promises in a nutshell is Sunday's message. God calls us to move and we pull out one of two things, our resume of our failures or the promises that He has given us. It's so easy to pull out that resume though. It's tangable, there in the moment...every moment...we can never seem to escape it. It is who we are and so much of who we are really is just a tangled mess! But, to hold tight to God's promises, now that's a toughie! God's promises are things spoken to us through scripture and there is a world full of debate just on that. Then, there are those things spoken to our spirits, our hearts through visions, dreams or just random nuggets dropped on us seemingly out of nowhere. These things can't be proven. They are not tangable. There is no proof. We just have to step out into nothingness and trust, hope, have faith that He is there, right where He says He will be, just when He needs to be there. But, that may actually mean we fall a bit and that flip flop in our stomach as we go down is unforgetable. That rush of adrenaline when our feet actually land on a solid path that we couldn't see...unimaginable!
Despite time and time and time again of God speaking to us, laying out promises before us and then prooving Himself to be trustworthy, failure continues to define who we are...who I am. As hard as my loving husband tries to lift me up, all I can see most days are the plethera of mistakes that I've made in such a short day. The same mistakes that I made the day before and the day before that and the day before that. To add to that, all those around me who are successful at the things I'm failing at. Why them? Why not me? How is it that they, THEY can be successful but for once, JUST ONCE PLEASE can I not succeed at something so dear to me??? I try so hard. I invest so much; money, time, my family, ME and all because I am following what I believe to be a vision to help my husband, my family and others but no, what I have is just not good enough. Every single thing. Failure in some way or another. So, how can I see anything other than that big, fat, red F on my resume???
So, what is supposed to define us? God. What God sees when He looks at us. All I can imagine is that He's got His arms crossed with a scowl on His face shaking His head at me 'cause once again, I'm messing it all up. I know that isn't true but really...how does He see me?
I don't have some great and amazing answer to end this with. This is it. A question. But, I know somewhere out there, I'm not the only person feeling this way and that I am His beloved and that He does actually smile down on me...even if it's just when I'm sleeping ; ) But, the day in and day out still resound the question of who am I and what am I in You? How do I live in how YOU define me instead of how my life and the world around me and ME has defined me?
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