One thing that I struggle with the greatest is anger. No matter how much progress I make in my day in and day out life, this thing just continues to oppress me. I am, typically, a very happy-go-lucky, bubbly (though not nearly the "tiger" I used to be) and friendly woman BUT you cross me, you cut me and I want blood! I get lost in thoughts as I try to go to sleep in ways I can seek out revenge. I wouldn't in reality, but I know that just like lust, I'm a murderer because my heart dwells on it. I don't really know where this comes from. I've been like this since I was a child. Maybe I inherit it from my dad. Maybe it comes from feeling like authorities in my life have done nothing but look to step on me every opportunity they can or to take advantage of their place of authority to do me wrong and now my husband lives day in and day out in the third job in a row where his supervisors have treated him like dirt; he's lost jobs because he does the right thing and now looses money because of asinine choices of those over him. Maybe it is just a place that Satan has found a good, snug foothold in my life and he's not going to give it up for a thing in this world. It's really easy to say, "Take authority over that in Jesus' name" but yeah, right! I just want to punch people who say that yet, I find myself saying that when I just don't have any other advice to give. Maybe that's another issue with Christians; we can't just say, "we are clueless on how to fix the problem but that we will carry you through as much as we can until victory is ours!" Other than my husband, I had one other person in my life helping carry me. I grew so much during her time in my life. Then, she too crushed me; she crushed our family and those issues with anger and hatred are right back. My blood boils when I think of her and what my family suffered because of her and I wish so much that she could suffer, that her family could suffer and that they would be cut down to dirt level humility instead of there "my poop don't stink" pedestal. Then, I met another woman. We hit it off and a friendship took off. While I was also doing business for her, I thought for certain, she was a God-send. Unbeknownst to me though, she was a lying and manipulating bitch! Yup, I said it! She may have been created in the image of God but she sure as heck is living in the lap of Satan...or at least dancing around him. I invested hours into her life. She was expecting her first child and was full of questions and "loved" my beliefs on motherhood. So, seeing someone "hungry", I graciously fed her every opportunity she asked. While she was screwing me over, I was blind to it but my husband saw that there was more there to her. I didn't believe him. I really should have. Ladies, when God says to submit to your husbands, really...get the feminatzi mindset out of your head and understand that God put that husband over you for a reason. I'll make another post about what God means when He calls wives to submit to their husbands. Just chew on this until then. Anyway, while I believed I was investing into her, I was really casting my pearls before swine. Long story and details I don't want to publish but she ended up robbing me of life, lying about me and not only mudding my character (which is infuriating enough) but throwing filth on a business I am trying to build to help support my family. The work I had done for her was the best I had done and the best I've done yet but it was all a waste! I couldn't use any in my portfolio because while she filled out her form fully, she left out the most important part; her signature. This woman was graduating from law school. She knew what she was doing! Her daddy used to be a judge so, between me being a baby business and her not signing it (which, I should have checked...I know...live and learn) and me not having the money to spend on an attorney, I had to eat that pain and swallow hard the waste. I was livid at the lies, the words spewed toward my children burned my heart to the core (my first attack because we do not vaccinate) but the hours she stole from my life and my family, I can't get back and to top it off, she stole the money that was owed me for that time.
Ok...I've had an hour or so to cool my jets a bit. Part of the joys of having four children to keep up with, I can't just vomit on-line without having to take a few breaks during it to regroup. What got this morning going, aside from a baby waking me up to four poopies during the night and then my other three children waking me up at the butt crack of dawn, I got an e-mail from an innocent family member of the pregnant woman I was ranting about above. She wants to give me the money owed to me from the work I gave this woman as well as to present to her as a gift the finished product. What is so crazy is that I was just thinking about her and her mother (who was part of the ripping me to shreds event) and the "what if" she wanted the finished product later on. Of course, I wasn't nice to her in my head but now I can't help but think that God put her and this situation on my heart to be confirmation to the request I would get today. *sigh* I feel icky in my stomach. I don't want to do anything good for this woman but I think of God's love for me and how much more undeserving I am of all that He does for me. Can I not at least walk in this act of obedience for Him because HE loves ME? Yes. I can. I have my part of the agreement; I will put together the final product to ensure that it is the best quality. Not for her but she's already done enough damage to my business name. This may be the only opportunity I have to clear up some of that part of the mess. I don't need a piece of junk being presented to her. But, everything we do should be to bring glory to God too. I don't feel it is right to half cheek anything; if you are going to do something, do it right and finish what you start. My husband will find relief in the extra money too. So, through me submitting to God and putting aside my anger and hurt, God will be blessing us. And, who knows what will come from all of this but God. This family member believes God wants her to do this. She can't do it without me. Who am I to stand between her and her obedience to God? I dare not! As my favorite blogger and author finishes her statements with, "All is Grace, through Christ alone!"
My insides still burn Abba! I hurt and just don't know how to get past that pain...that pain on top of so much other pain. But, I choose to be obedient to You. Today has already been nothing but one struggle after another, pain and anger and flaring tempers but at least, I will get this one thing right. This life and all that is in it is not for me but by You and for You and I need to be willing to give it all or how can I ask and expect You to give back to me??? Thank you for Your love, Your never ending love and mercy and Your perfect Grace. Grace even through the pain and suffering.
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