I Survived!!!

Ironically, this is the shirt I wore after having gone through an elective induction (DUMB choice btw) with my first child.  I survived the longest and most excruciating event of my life!!!  If I could go back into time and redo my pregnancies, I would have gotten plugged into the care of a midwife and started educating myself sooner and let Baby and God decide when it was time for them to come out.  Having had a natural birth at home, I can say, had I done this, I would not only have survived but I would have thrived.  Sometimes though, life is just about surviving.  This year has been quite the example of that.


The last leg of my pregnancy with my youngest child was the most horrible time of my life physically.  I found out afterward that people were apparently becoming very worried about me (thanks for speaking up and sticking out a hand *sarcasm*).  But, I found strength within me that I just didn't think I had.  I was far from graceful about it though.  I complained incessantly, cried, cried and cried some more and even got to my lowest point of snotting and drooling as I was curled up on the toilet and sink sobbing.  Yeah, pretty bad!  Just another one of those moments that I am so glad to be married and only once.  LOL!!!  Just some parts of life, no more than that one person should ever see and even then it is still embarrassing. 


January 30, 2011 came and labor FINALLY began!  I survived laboring all day and well into the night.  January 31, 2011 and I gave birth to my youngest baby at home.  I wish that this was all I would have had to survived but my life spun out of control that early Monday morning.


I survived holding my dead son, watching while they did CPR on him, seeing his limp and lifeless body laid on my bed, seeing him taken away and me left naked sitting in a pool of blood with his cord left limp hanging out of my body.
I survived the numbing ambulance ride to the hospital alone thinking I would have to call NILMDTS to photograph my son's body. 
I survived, barely (with the help of a double dose of demerol) being poked, pushed on, placenta pulled out, bleeding, bleeding and more bleeding.  I wanted my placenta.  I had something special I wanted to do with it but knew I could not go home with my placenta with my baby in the morgue. 
I survived the roller coaster of emotions that flooded me at the news of my son's resurrection.
I survived DHR coming into our lives and taking my other three children away from me.  
I survived by my son's side as he lay shivering on a cooling blanket for three days unable to be held, to be fed, to be normal.
I survived three and a half weeks in the hospital with my baby after a false test (I think done purposefully) of herpes.  
I survived the whispering behind curtains amongst the nurses about me.
I survived the lies that the nurses told DHR.
I survived the continual threat of foster care for my children.
I survived week after week after week after month after month of DHR being in our home telling us how we "should" parent our children because they "questioned our ability to make sound parenting choices".
I survived the label of child abuse.  
I survived the loss of my best friend.
I survived betrayal from those I trusted the most.
I survived doctor visit after doctor visit, test after test after test on myself, my baby, my husband.
I survived the continual battles of our choice to not vaccinate our child.
I survived the painful gashes dealt out by my family because all of this was my fault.
I survived being manipulated and lied to and stolen from.
I survived my husband being on night shift this entire year working over time on top of 12 hour shifts; being left to be basically a single mom through much of this year.
I survived a lot of other more personal things as well as the daily wear and tear of my life.


I survived.  I survived!!!  My life is still intact and my family is well and my son is fully healed.  I SURVIVED!!!!!!  But, life is not just about surviving.  John 10:10 "I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."  Through Jesus, we can do anything.  So, why stop at just surviving?  I want to have an abundant life!  I want to thrive!


Through all of this surviving, God's Holy Spirit was ever present in my life.  Time after time did He speak so clearly to my aching heart, terrified soul and battered spirit.  He was a healing balm in the midst of agony.  And for the first time ever, I learned what joy truly is and how to live life filled with joy even when happiness is far from present.  In the vast ocean of tears that spilled from my eyes, I was still able to have laughter.  For the first time, my life was not totally consumed with rage.  Rage and hate were there but I was not consumed.  This year has been filled with so much pain but also so much life and growth.  I enter into 2012 a new woman in many ways.  


2011 was about surviving and growing and living in the shadow of death.  My prayer Abba is that 2012 will be a year for thriving and laying in green pastures.

Who Are You Now?

I started writing this a few days ago.  I have been sick to my stomach these past several days with it growing as today has approached.  I'm cutting it way back though.  It was far more than needed to be sent out into all of the world and "draft" served me well in giving me a bit of a vent and relief.

December 15th 2010, I made a horrible choice.  It was unintentional but caused a lot of pain in lives of those closest to me and sent my life down a path that otherwise, probably would never have been stepped even one to on to.  This year has been something unlike I could have ever imagined but I am so thankful for God's grace and that His mercies are new every morning and that He holds to His promises regardless of our "failures".  I don't know if I have admitted this or not before now but had I, ME, not made the choices I made this night last year, my life could look very different today.  That's a hard pill to swallow.  It has been so easy to point at this person or that person passing as much blame off on anyone I possibly could pass it off on.  Yeah, I've admitted my wrong and countless times but, I still didn't want to carry that on my own.  Things could have been done differently by this person and that person but it all falls back on me and my first choice.  Owning our mistakes is crucial to changing and a lesson that fewer and fewer people want to learn and live.  

In Genesis, Jacob is fleeing for his life.  He leaves his family in a safe place and heads out to have some alone time and there he has a personal and face to face encounter with God.  They wrestle.  All night long they are tangled up together.  The sun is coming up and God tells him to let him go and he refuses to do so until God blesses him.  God asks him, "what is your name?"  I come to this in my reading today and have to stop and soak.  What is your name...who are you now?  This brings so much emotion to my heart.  Who am I NOW?

There is a lot more to write on this particular story but for tonight, I will keep it at this.  Satan does not want us to know who we ARE but who we WERE.  I think that is why I have been dreading this day with such misery.  My memories have been flooded with my mistakes and it has taken its toll on me this past week or so.  Satan would love nothing more than for me to get stuck in that night and not move past that; to become swallowed up in such depression that all I can see is who I WAS instead of who God has helped me to be today.  I've gone through so many heartaches this year.  But, God made me a promise...two really and I have seen one come to pass and am holding on in faith and trusting that the second is coming in its season.  God and I have gone around and around.  I don't know that I would call it "wrestling" but many times I have asked of Him and He has been faithful to answer me and numerous times to the same question.  He has touched my life and I am forever changed.  My name, Christ-follower, is truly who I am.  I'm not perfect but I am in love and I know that my pain has been and will be for God's glory and for the plans that God has for me and my family and even the lives that we are to touch as the days and years go by.

Regardless of the mistakes you have made, the failures, the wrongs, the hurts you've caused, you don't have to remain there.  Let go of those things and let God take them and create in you a new thing.  Let Him use what Satan has intended for evil to bring about something beautiful and good.  Then, anytime Satan tries to remind you of who you were, tell him, speak it out loud even, who you ARE!

Training Tomatoes

When my first child, my daughter was two, I found myself in quite a pickle.  You see, me and two's have never meshed well.  To such a point that in my years of childcare, I got to a point where for their sake and mine, I refused to work the two year old classes unless I HAD to and those were few and far between.  This time though, I had no choice.  I could not say no, could not find a substitute or any other option.  I had to get tough. I had to find a way to survive.  


My then-best-friend suggested a parenting book to me despite my strong disdain for those sorts of books; everyone has an opinion and they all stink sort of reasoning.  I barely made it past the introduction!  This woman had to be out of her mind!!!  I was helpless and bordering on hopeless though so I grinned and bared it so to speak. In my desperation I got it, read it and was more than thankful for it!  I will admit, there are things that I don't fully agree with but then again, does anyone ever fully agree with anyone?  The book is Raising Godly Tomatoes by L. Elizabeth Krueger.  


I'm not going to go into to much of the book but today was a great reminder of how far I have strayed from the basic and sound teaching; keep your children close, watch them and prune out the bad things while they are still tiny.  The basic principle follows that of gardening tomatoes.  If you don't train up the plant while it is still young and tender, the branches will sprawl all over the ground and the fruits that are bore will be weak and will rot.  However, train up the plant from the beginning, prune it and care for it, picking the weeds and bugs, and you will have a plant that produces a healthy and bountiful crop.  It is easy as parents and even onlookers to make excuses for little ones.  I mean, they're just babies right?  How much can they REALLY understand???  And, from a tiny young age, they discover our naivety and use it to their full advantage.  Before you know it, you have a terrible two, terrifying three and horrific child from then on out.  Trying to train a child who has already "hardened" and become set in their behavior is not impossible but is far harder than if the work had been done in the beginning and maintained throughout the child's growing.


Today, we (my husband and myself) kept our nephew.  His upbringing is vastly different than how we have been raising our four children.  Things in our home have gotten quite out of hand and my husband and myself have been feeling quite at a loss.  I wanted to help but was really dreading the additional load.  He is very trying at times and then add to that, my three and I feared it would be like an atomic bomb blowing up.  All in all though, the day went really well.  It was ultimately very eye opening at how lazy we both have gotten in our parenting.  Knowing what I know about my nephew, I knew I could not handle him in the same way that I normally do my own children (not that I treat mine bad but he comes from a totally different background and with that, his own life story).  Not wanting to confuse the little hearts by treating one "better" than the other, I went back to my RGT training and in just one evening have seen a huge difference.  My kids KNOW better and they know that Mommy and Daddy are tired and just not putting forth the effort and they take full advantage of this ESPECIALLY with Daddy.  My third child is the very typical strong willed child and my second is ALL BOY!  We needed the reminder at how much better our home runs when we discipline and DISCIPLE our children properly. 


When we shake off the shackles of laziness and work diligently to help our children be their best possible and instill in their hearts a desire to submit to those God places over their lives.  We've got a lot of back work to catch back up on and it will be hard but I am very reassured and refreshed.  Better now than having gone years longer.

Reading My Mail

Got up this rainy Sunday morning NOT planning on going to church.  As much as I love God, I really don't like church.  I can't stand the going through the motions, the pretending, the fakeness of those around me...just being in another place where I'm the odd ball out and no one really wants me around.  But, the Holy Spirit nudged me to go and at my children's excitement at the question of church, I decided we'd go. 


Once there, I started to feel the bitterness build back up.  Looking around wondering if anyone would bother to come speak to me.  Thinking, "I should have gone to Such-n-such church this morning instead of somewhere I'm not wanted."  Then praise and worship started and it was done by a bunch of kids.  MEH!!!  What in the world do they have teens leading adults?!?!  But something, probably God's tender way with me, gently hushed the beast and I heard how beautiful it really was and the prayer the young girl gave, so genuine.  I settled.  Service started and was given by our pastor's younger brother.  First though???  WOW!  He's HOT!!!  Yeah, I'm human and flawed and getting past his hotness took a good deal of work.  Pastors shouldn't be good looking LOL!  His eyes and mine caught all through the service and the words he gave grabbed my heart and God spoke right to me.  It was like there was no one else around.  Me and God through this man.  This couple came in late with their brand new baby girl.  My womb ached.  My arms wanted to reach out and scoop her up.  They told me no.  I cried.  Not because I couldn't hold her but because I couldn't hold HER; my daughter that I have carried in my heart for so long that my womb aches empty because she's not here and most likely, unless God has other plans that I don't know about, I will never hold.  Tears welled in my eyes and spilled out down my face, lips and chin.  God was there and speaking and while I don't know what my future holds, He does and He knows my pain and my frustration and no doubt, as was spoken today, some of that frustration He has sent.  


Why would God send frustration and pain?  To make me uncomfortable.  To force me to move out.  To send me into my future fulfilling what He has called me to do and be.  Deuteronomy 32:11 was one of many verses that God had for me today.  "As an eagle stirs up its nest, hovers over its young, spreading out its wings, taking them up, carrying them on its wings..."  A mother eagle takes care of her young but when it is time for them to head out on their own, she starts to stir the nest, pulling out the down and making the nest uncomfortable.  By doing this, the babies are encouraged to move out and start spreading their wings to fly on their own.  I can not tell you how many times I have dreamt of flying, being caught up and whisked upwards so fast it nearly takes my breath away.  I have seen eagles in my dreams and have soared high above the clouds and have learned that to fly, I have to submit to Him and let Him carry me on His wings.  When I try and do it on my own, I start to fall again.  God wants to get me off of my comfortable rear end and get me soaring into my destiny.  I don't know what that is but, I got up from my seat and knelt at the front in prophetic proclamation that I am here, right now, giving myself to you Abba to go where you have me to go.  No matter how hard things become and regardless of what others around me think, I will follow you with all of my heart, leaning not on ME and MY understandings but letting you whisk me up into the upper atmosphere of You.  How do I do that?  By becoming more intimate with Him!


There is another dream that I have had.  This too, never the same dream but the same power.  I won't go into the details, as I don't feel I should at this time, but I will say it is an intimacy with Jesus unlike words could ever describe.  I want that!  I hunger desperately for that and know that this is my spirit and He touching in the stillness of the night.  So, even when I'm not feeling like I want anything to do with Him, I really do!  I have to stop hiding from Him and start burying my face into His chest, hear His heart beating, feel His breath on my face, get lost in His eyes.  


Service ended with a prayer of protection to surround those that God had touched.  Satan will always try and rush in and steal what God has done.  My mind is a battlefield.  My heart is still so tender.  Satan will wound me any way he can even if it is just to flood my mind with criticalness, lust or bitter thoughts from pains from my past.  Today, I lifted my hands for the first time in God only knows how long.  I wanted to give up my all to Him.  He knows how hard that is for me but I did it!  I want you Lord!!!


So...


Satan says, "You're a 'effin know-it-all'!!!"      God says, "You are a woman of knowledge!"


Satan says, "You're an idiot, a fool, and annoying!"  God says, " You are a woman of wisdom"


Satain says, "You are weak!  You can't do this any longer!!!"  God says, "You are a strong woman.  You are called to be a woman of great strength!  Through Jesus Christ, you can endure and through that endurance, I will bring you into your calling and my glory will shine for all to see!!!"


Satan says, "You should follow the crowd and just do what everyone else does and says you should do."  God says, "I didn't call you to be mainstream.  I called you to follow ME; to be God-stream!"


Satan says, "You're not the social norm!"  God says, "be EXTRAORDINARY!!!!"


In a recent conversation I had with my dad, he said that he's just a normal man and God can speak to him as He does anyone else.  I told my dad that I refuse to settle and just be normal.  I strive to be extraordinary and God speaks in extraordinary ways to those who refuse to settle being the "social norm"!  God can use a donkey but I don't want to be an ASS!  I want to be supernatural!!!!!!

Beyond the Day of Thanks

Thanksgiving day is terrific!  Our society seems to skip over it now more than ever.  We go from Halloween straight to Christmas skipping the day of being thankful for our nation and all that we are blessed with to go right to a day filled with greed.  And of course, we don't have Black Friday anymore but now it started Thanksgiving night.  Run out from family time, wait in line for hours long for stuff!!!  Well, instead of making my list and checking it twice to make sure I've got all of my wants listed, I'm going to start my 1000 Gifts list.  Just as my previous post, this will be an on-going list over time.  But, here's the start:

1. Thankful for time with my sister filled with so much laughter that she got the hiccups.
2. Hot spiced apple cider and a crisp fall morning.
3. Rollie-pollie baby following me from one room to the next.
4. Crystal clear blue sky filled with warm happy sunshine.
5. Children's craft-wreaths hanging in the door.
6. Cartoons with great messages to give my little ones something different to occupy them with so I can have a little bit of time to ease into my day.
7. Indoor plumbing.  (Could you imagine having to potty train or having to take yourself to a potty outside and in the cold???)
8. Independent toddler feet running through the house.
9. "Hi Mommy!" happily singing from my 2 year old when he spots me sitting there joyfully watching him.
10. Uncontrollable baby belly laughs accompanied by snorts and squeals : )
11. Tickle wars with my children; something that I can do that will always put smiles on their faces.
12. Tickle wars with my husband; something that brings us back to that first love and leaves us in a heap together breathless and happy.
13.  Birthday lunch with my little girl; chocolate and powdered sugar all over her mouth and much needed giggles and happiness.
14.  Kind strangers happy to take the camera and include me in a picture.
15.  Prayers from total strangers.  Every prayer offered up I hold as a gem in my life.
16.  Unexpected Christmas given by a local hospital.
17.  To help bring tears of delight in the midst of great sorrow and pain.
18.  Bedtime stories, cooking shows, lots of cuddles on the couch at night.
19.  Tylenol to sooth my sweet baby's pain.
20.  "Chance" meeting of one willing to help me meet a desire.

What If???

Not even all the way through the first chapter and I have to stop because already, she has hit the nail on the head for my life; the fear of the what ifs.  She breaks it down to two types: fear of what will happen in the future and fear of having made poor choices in our past and how those choices and the here and now could have been different.  Out of these two, the fear of the past is my greatest.  Did I make the right choices for my life?  Did I really hear God say this?  Am I really where I am supposed to be and if not, where did I screw up at?!?!?  I always feel like a failure in some way because of this fear and it really holds me back I think.  I'm timid around people because what if I talk to much?  What if I come across to them, another person, as an "effin know-it-all"?  What if I offend them?  What if they just don't like me?  Being in business for myself, having to work closely with other people, I'm sure you can see where these fears really can become not just a hinderance but dangerous.  Every negative encounter I have with another person only builds this fear up.  Every time my dad or mom tells me of yet another person who has such not-so-lovely opinions of me, I sink even deeper.  What if I had learned better social skills when I was younger; if I had actually had the maturity to see how everyone at times even backed away from me when they saw me coming and took that and learned THEN and changed THEN would I be struggling so much now?  What if, what if, what if????  It is the question of my life.

Fear of the future?  Oh, it plagues me too.  Fear of my house catching on fire for one example.  I don't know why but that became a life stopper for me once we bought our house.  I literally would be half way to work, running late, but would turn around and come home just to make sure the hair dryer was unplugged.  Part of my attached parenting has been for our children to sleep in our room.  We originally agreed for them to until they were able to sleep in a toddler bed and could get up on there own.  The reason for that initial choice came after reading a heart breaking story of a mom who's daughter (18 months old and in her crib) burned to death in a house fire.  She couldn't get out and the couldn't get to her through the house.  By the time they got to her window, her crib...her body was engulfed in flames.  I sobbed unable to speak while my husband read over my shoulder to find out what had me so upset.  Now, our oldest stayed in our room until she was just after four.  We all loved having each other right there; mommy, daddy, children one, two and three.  That fear was the beginnings of me being an attached parent.  I love being an attached parent but also see that I need balance in that or I will suffocate my little ones as they grow and need more space, sun and air.

Coming Out of Hiding

God, "Where are you?"  Me, "I was afraid Lord, so I hid..."

Along with learning to live a life of thanksgiving, I am also learning how to not live a life filled with fear.  I've started (actually, I've been sitting on page four for a few months LOL!) working on a second book called What Women Fear by Angie Smith.  I think she and I are the same age or at least, very close.  That is encouraging to me for some reason.  Maybe that being young, I can still be filled with wisdom, can still be of great use to God; I don't have to be some magic age, ie. OLD.

I've finally gotten around to finishing the Introduction.  In that first line, God gently nudged my heart.  I've been angry.  I've been afraid.  When I am either or both, I "hide" from Him.  I shut down and stop talking to Him.  I don't pick up my Bible and eventually, I find myself in a downward spiral into depression.  I've been depressed and suicidal.  I've also seen God in a new way too.  My once dead son is alive and well jabbering away in his crib right now.  That sort of changes how one views the world, at least, it does for me.  But, I still struggle.  Meeting God in this new way, the powerful God really hears me, loves me and WILL NEVER LEAVE ME way has impacted me and changed me but certainly does not take the struggle away.  Lately, the daily grind of life has been sanding away at me.  My husband's job stinks, the pay stinks even worse, me and my husband and all four kids have been sick one right after the other and again and again and again and not just the sniffle sort of sick but natural child birth is easier than this sort of sick.  In my effort to become more thankful, I've turned into a spoiled brat whining and complaining left and right about this and that.  Part of that has been rooted in fear though; fear of failure, of loosing long carried dreams, of handing those dreams back to God, fear of did I even hear God.  Fear leads to anger and who wants to talk to someone they are angry at?  I sure don't!  But, do I really have reason to be angry at God?  I think we can be angry at God.  My best friend has even told me that God is big enough to handle us being mad at him.  He doesn't get mad at us.  He just wants us to tell him, give it to him and then walk away from it trusting in his sovereignty.  I'm struggling in that though, the walking away and trusting him part.  I have total faith in him.  My faith is unshaken.  But trusting him?  Hmm...that's a whole other thing.  I have faith that God can but I don't trust that God will.  My husband does though and for that, our youngest child is alive.  While God promised my husband full healing for our son, I've been gripped with breath taking fear that maybe God really didn't say that.  But, I have to hold on to it or I will never see the beauty of where my son is and that right now, he is doing as he ought to be.  I fear our financial situation.  A family of six on a single income of less that $37,000 makes life very tight.  I want my business, the business that I believe God called me into and thus really is his, I want it to succeed but I fear that it, along with every other attempt I have made to help carry the financial burden for my husband, that it will fail.  This failure is very personal though as this is not just another sells position but is art and art comes from within and is a bit of the artist and when that is rejected, for me, it is as though I am being rejected.  I fear my kids will get sick with something really bad.  That the cancer stories that keep crossing my path are to prepare me for one of my children or myself getting cancer.  That because we don't vaccinate, because we believe God has told us not to, that one of our children will suffer greatly and the already critical voices surrounding us will blame us and say, "I told you so" and that we will loose our children.  I fear the loss of our children at the hands of DHR at least every week (I can't say every day, though it is always in the back of my mind) with every action taken with my children that could even receive a cross look from an on-looker. I fear thunderstorms with a throat choking fear every time the sky turns dark since those April 2011 tornadoes, the big one having gone right over our house while I stood looking up into it.  More bad weather today and I'm to be left alone with all four by myself.  Juggling four little ones with impending disaster barreling down on you....it just makes me want to cry.  So, it is safe to assume that yes, I am living a life in fear.  :' (

I look forward to the next chapters and seeing what God speaks to me and if I can go from hiding from him to basking in his presence with him dancing over me.

Thanks in Place of Complaints

Ok, so I started with all these reasons to be thankful but have only found myself complaining all the more.  I'm sure Satan is having a blast yanking me around as I take steps to grow and better myself.  This morning I told God that I feel like the Israelites.  For all that God had been to them, they still strayed to other gods, they still feared, they still cursed Him and when God offered them everything, they still demanded their own will.  I've read through the OT and at so many points have found myself so ticked at these guys!  Seriously, AGAIN?!?!?  But, isn't that how we all really are?  At least, I know that's true for myself.  I don't like it and recognize it is a problem so, sticking with the thanksgiving, knowing that in EVERYTHING I am to give Him THANKS, I am turning my complaints into moments of thanksgiving.  Some of these things will be a huge stretch for me and for anyone who has done any working out, you know stretching is important but can be painful.  But in the end, it is so much better that you do.  


This list will be a growing list.  So, stop back in from time to time and see what other complaint-turned-thanksgiving I've added.

    1. Thank you that my births have been painful and have left me broken hearted.  In my pain, I am a broken vessel to show your miracle of healing.

   2. Thank you that my baby died in my last birth.  In his death, You and only You can take all glory for his resurrection and his total healing.

    3. Thank you for 6 spirits that have left my womb and gone to you.  I have learned that You truly do love me and through their short lives, have been stepping stones in bringing me closer to you.  That through their loss, I have been able to give to others compassion, love and counsel.  That I have been an open voice to a world that wants to forget those lost.

   4. Thank you that money is so tight for us.  Through our financial hardship, You are teaching us how to be frugal and wiser with what we do have.

   5.  Thank you for dreams that seem out of our reach.  It means that we have to rely totally on you to achieve those dreams.  That those dreams are NOT out of YOUR reach.  That if those dreams come to pass, that they will have been not just our dreams but Your dreams FOR us.  Those dreams would be really gifts.


   6.  Thank you for vigorous life-filled hands beating toys against newly painted walls.  Little hands that are not rotting with the decay of death; little hands that are not limp and lifeless because of brain damage.  Thank you once more for my precious baby boy.  Thank you once more and not enough for all of my children, held and unheld.


   7.   Thank you for searing sun and rain filled clouds and beautiful black-brown soil to help dig me out of my dark of depression and remind me of the joys of living outside in the nature that You created and gave for us to enjoy in our time here on Earth.


   8.  Thank you for mothers that mother me as I walk motherless and in pain.  Through them I see You answering my prayer for You to ultimately mother me so that I can see how to mother my own children.

Eucharisteo

My favorite blog, the only one that I actively follow actually, is written by an amazingly beautiful woman; a woman that I wish I could meet and have as an active part in my life and journey of becoming more and more of who God has called me to be.  Despite the miles between us and being one of no telling how many other women who follow her writings, she IS part of my life and through her and her writings, God has spoken so much and moved me to tears more than I can begin to count.  Ann Voskamp writes a Holy Experience and offers far more than just One Thousand Gifts.  Once again, my heart is pricked and moved.  The battle of flesh and Satan rage even stronger as the heart and spirit hunger to move more and more towards purpose and to a long held promise; promises that I try and not shelf in despair and anguish, that I fight fear and anger so to not be robbed of.  The battle to be a thankful child instead of a spoiled brat throwing yet another temper tantrum because things are not going how I want them to go, how I planned them to go, how I feel we need them to be.  To be thankful in all, no matter if it is blessing or cursing, plenty or once again, dry and barrenness.  To move my life from faith that God can to trusting that God WILL. 

In Ann's book One Thousand Gifts (I'm only finishing up chapter three and already I know that change is a must and am moved to start taking those steps to a fuller eucharisteo sozo life) she begins a list of 1,000 things that God has already gifted her with.  Christmas time is coming and my list of wants far exceeds 1,000 things and of all the lists in my life, this list is what saps me of the most joy and the ability to be content with my life and the blessings that I do have.  That "Christmas list" is really more of Satan's distraction and bondage; distraction from all that we already have and bondage to misery and pain as we try and fill up on a more-list that will never end nor come close to fill.  It's like artificial sweetener.  It tricks the mind into thinking sugar, a substance needed, is going into the body when instead, it is a chemical that will only leave the body thirstier and hungrier causing the one ingesting to take in far more than they ought to leading to gluttony and poorer health.  I know that this list of gifts already in my possession is something I too need to begin.  But, it just feels like one more chore to add to my already overwhelming list of things I MUST do.  She says pictures and then all of a sudden, all these simple but awe inspiring and beauty filled pictures that she posts with her blog finally make sense.  Instead of WRITING my list, I too will document in pictures.  I'm a visual person anyway.  I need to bring to life that which God has already given me.  I need to make real the things in my life that I truly am thankful for but get suffocated by the day in and day out grind.  I need to discover those tiny gifts that God gives in day that probably get over looked more often than not because I'm so distracted by everything else, most of which probably are not even needed in my life but are there once again in my attempts to try and fill voids in my that God is trying to fill with Him.  How often do WE get in the way of what God is trying to do in our lives and through our lives????  I'm saddened to even try and put a number to that.

Today, I take a step into learning how to have a life of eucharisteo.  I will document that which God has already given me, the things that I love, the things that make me happy, the things that I am thankful to have.  These will range from the obvious and expected, to the everyday "boring" parts of life, to I'm sure quite odd and unexpected.  I am going to fill up my life with at least 1,000 things, people, places.... LIFE.  I am going to start to whittle away at that list of complaints and wants, the complaints of not enough money, the want of more of this and more of that and more, more, and more; this list of DEATH.

Feeling the Burn

One thing that I struggle with the greatest is anger.  No matter how much progress I make in my day in and day out life, this thing just continues to oppress me.  I am, typically, a very happy-go-lucky, bubbly (though not nearly the "tiger" I used to be) and friendly woman BUT you cross me, you cut me and I want blood!  I get lost in thoughts as I try to go to sleep in ways I can seek out revenge.  I wouldn't in reality, but I know that just like lust, I'm a murderer because my heart dwells on it.  I don't really know where this comes from.  I've been like this since I was a child.  Maybe I inherit it from my dad.  Maybe it comes from feeling like authorities in my life have done nothing but look to step on me every opportunity they can or to take advantage of their place of authority to do me wrong and now my husband lives day in and day out in the third job in a row where his supervisors have treated him like dirt; he's lost jobs because he does the right thing and now looses money because of asinine choices of those over him.  Maybe it is just a place that Satan has found a good, snug foothold in my life and he's not going to give it up for a thing in this world.  It's really easy to say, "Take authority over that in Jesus' name" but yeah, right!  I just want to punch people who say that yet, I find myself saying that when I just don't have any other advice to give.  Maybe that's another issue with Christians; we can't just say, "we are clueless on how to fix the problem but that we will carry you through as much as we can until victory is ours!"  Other than my husband, I had one other person in my life helping carry me.  I grew so much during her time in my life.  Then, she too crushed me; she crushed our family and those issues with anger and hatred are right back.  My blood boils when I think of her and what my family suffered because of her and I wish so much that she could suffer, that her family could suffer and that they would be cut down to dirt level humility instead of there "my poop don't stink" pedestal.  Then, I met another woman.  We hit it off and a friendship took off.  While I was also doing business for her, I thought for certain, she was a God-send.  Unbeknownst to me though, she was a lying and manipulating bitch!  Yup, I said it!  She may have been created in the image of God but she sure as heck is living in the lap of Satan...or at least dancing around him.  I invested hours into her life.  She was expecting her first child and was full of questions and "loved" my beliefs on motherhood.  So, seeing someone "hungry", I graciously fed her every opportunity she asked.  While she was screwing me over, I was blind to it but my husband saw that there was more there to her.  I didn't believe him.  I really should have.  Ladies, when God says to submit to your husbands, really...get the feminatzi mindset out of your head and understand that God put that husband over you for a reason.  I'll make another post about what God means when He calls wives to submit to their husbands.  Just chew on this until then.  Anyway, while I believed I was investing into her, I was really casting my pearls before swine.  Long story and details I don't want to publish but she ended up robbing me of life, lying about me and not only mudding my character (which is infuriating enough) but throwing filth on a business I am trying to build to help support my family.  The work I had done for her was the best I had done and the best I've done yet but it was all a waste!  I couldn't use any in my portfolio because while she filled out her form fully, she left out the most important part; her signature.  This woman was graduating from law school.  She knew what she was doing!  Her daddy used to be a judge so, between me being a baby business and her not signing it (which, I should have checked...I know...live and learn) and me not having the money to spend on an attorney, I had to eat that pain and swallow hard the waste.  I was livid at the lies, the words spewed toward my children burned my heart to the core (my first attack because we do not vaccinate) but the hours she stole from my life and my family, I can't get back and to top it off, she stole the money that was owed me for that time.

Ok...I've had an hour or so to cool my jets a bit.  Part of the joys of having four children to keep up with, I can't just vomit on-line without having to take a few breaks during it to regroup.  What got this morning going, aside from a baby waking me up to four poopies during the night and then my other three children waking me up at the butt crack of dawn, I got an e-mail from an innocent family member of the pregnant woman I was ranting about above.  She wants to give me the money owed to me from the work I gave this woman as well as to present to her as a gift the finished product.  What is so crazy is that I was just thinking about her and her mother (who was part of the ripping me to shreds event) and the "what if" she wanted the finished product later on.  Of course, I wasn't nice to her in my head but now I can't help but think that God put her and this situation on my heart to be confirmation to the request I would get today.  *sigh*  I feel icky in my stomach.  I don't want to do anything good for this woman but I think of God's love for me and how much more undeserving I am of all that He does for me.  Can I not at least walk in this act of obedience for Him because HE loves ME?  Yes.  I can.  I have my part of the agreement; I will put together the final product to ensure that it is the best quality.  Not for her but she's already done enough damage to my business name.  This may be the only opportunity I have to clear up some of that part of the mess.  I don't need a piece of junk being presented to her.  But, everything we do should be to bring glory to God too.  I don't feel it is right to half cheek anything; if you are going to do something, do it right and finish what you start.  My husband will find relief in the extra money too.  So, through me submitting to God and putting aside my anger and hurt, God will be blessing us.  And, who knows what will come from all of this but God. This family member believes God wants her to do this.  She can't do it without me.  Who am I to stand between her and her obedience to God?  I dare not!  As my favorite blogger and author finishes her statements with, "All is Grace, through Christ alone!"

My insides still burn Abba!  I hurt and just don't know how to get past that pain...that pain on top of so much other pain.  But, I choose to be obedient to You.  Today has already been nothing but one struggle after another, pain and anger and flaring tempers but at least, I will get this one thing right.  This life and all that is in it is not for me but by You and for You and I need to be willing to give it all or how can I ask and expect You to give back to me???  Thank you for Your love, Your never ending love and mercy and Your perfect Grace.  Grace even through the pain and suffering.

What Defines Us?

Sunday's service left me with a wash of emotions; angry at God, angry at myself, frustrated, hurting but knowing that all of this day was ordained by God to speak to me.  In that, there is so much thankfulness and joy to be found.  He, the God of EVERYTHING, wants and does speak to me!

Resume vs. God's promises in a nutshell is Sunday's message.  God calls us to move and we pull out one of two things, our resume of our failures or the promises that He has given us.  It's so easy to pull out that resume though.  It's tangable, there in the moment...every moment...we can never seem to escape it.  It is who we are and so much of who we are really is just a tangled mess!  But, to hold tight to God's promises, now that's a toughie!  God's promises are things spoken to us through scripture and there is a world full of debate just on that.  Then, there are those things spoken to our spirits, our hearts through visions, dreams or just random nuggets dropped on us seemingly out of nowhere.  These things can't be proven.  They are not tangable.  There is no proof.  We just have to step out into nothingness and trust, hope, have faith that He is there, right where He says He will be, just when He needs to be there.  But, that may actually mean we fall a bit and that flip flop in our stomach as we go down is unforgetable.  That rush of adrenaline when our feet actually land on a solid path that we couldn't see...unimaginable!  

Despite time and time and time again of God speaking to us, laying out promises before us and then prooving Himself to be trustworthy, failure continues to define who we are...who I am.  As hard as my loving husband tries to lift me up, all I can see most days are the plethera of mistakes that I've made in such a short day.  The same mistakes that I made the day before and the day before that and the day before that.  To add to that, all those around me who are successful at the things I'm failing at.  Why them?  Why not me?  How is it that they, THEY can be successful but for once, JUST ONCE PLEASE can I not succeed at something so dear to me???  I try so hard.  I invest so much; money, time, my family, ME and all because I am following what I believe to be a vision to help my husband, my family and others but no, what I have is just not good enough.  Every single thing.  Failure in some way or another.  So, how can I see anything other than that big, fat, red F on my resume???  

So, what is supposed to define us?  God.  What God sees when He looks at us.  All I can imagine is that He's got His arms crossed with a scowl on His face shaking His head at me 'cause once again, I'm messing it all up.  I know that isn't true but really...how does  He see me?

I don't have some great and amazing answer to end this with.  This is it.  A question.  But, I know somewhere out there, I'm not the only person feeling this way and that I am His beloved and that He does actually smile down on me...even if it's just when I'm sleeping ; )  But, the day in and day out still resound the question of who am I and what am I in You?  How do I live in how YOU define me instead of how my life and the world around me and ME has defined me?

A New Start

I started college again this week!  I dropped out several years ago and never planned to go back.  I'm smart but organized education, the system, grades, well, we just don't get along very well at all.  It was a struggle all through high school and college was a total flop!  My GPA was barely above academic probation and I was wasting so much time and moreso, money.  But, that was then and I'm a new woman from who I was back then. 

Shortly after my youngest child was born, my prayers of what the heck am I supposed to make of myself, above wife and mother, were finally starting to be answered.  I am majoring in psychology and will add a minor of sociology to the list closer to my finishing up my major requirements.  Right now, my long term goal is to go on to get my Masters in Counseling.  I have a few other dreams that will tie into that but that's for another day.  Today, I'm going back into time, cleaning up some of my mess ups from my last go at college, learning from my ancestors and taking every opportunity that I can to continue refining my photography skills. 


I've thrown a temper tantrum or two, or three, or four, or....(ok....I don't always set a good example for my little ones LOL!!!!) about WHY WON'T MY BUSINESS GO ANYWHERE!!!!!  But, as this week has gone by, I have surprised myself and my husband about how diligent I have been at not only staying on top of my reading and homework but that I'm ahead AND even better at keeping up with the house AND the little ones' homeschooling!!!  I am really on a roll here!  I am very excited and even, for once, proud of myself.  I'm sitting back and resting in the fact that this business isn't for me but is for God (though, I still have to remind myself of that quite often when I see yet another photographer pop onto the scene and their business seeming to take off without a hitch) and He will supply all of my needs when it is the right time and that includes this part of my life.  This came at a specific time possibly to help drive me to where I am today but if it were more than just random pics here and there, I might drown in having too much to keep up with.  So, I thank Him for all I have today, continue to prepare for tomorrow to the best of my ability and try again to just trust that I WILL be who He has called me to be and in the season that He has set for me!

Here is the start of a new path in my life.  But, I dare not start it without His lamp unto my feet and His light unto my path.  While I'm studying history, His story is the greatest and needs to lead the way in all that I do.

My Hardest Struggle

For a majority of my life, I have battled depression really bad.  I have lots of ups and downs and then have had a few severe downs that nearly cost me my life.  I'm not bipolar (medically at least) but isn't that life?  Aren't we all bipolar???  I don't know anyone who coasts at a totally even keel (though, I wish I had far fewer downs).  To flat line, we'd be dead and that does no one any good, now does it?

Here lately, I'm finding myself struggling again to not slip downward.  As I'm getting older and wiser, I'm seeing the signs sooner and sooner but still finding it so hard to find the will to fight them.  Depression just sucks the wind out of me.  I don't want to do anything.  I'm exhausted and while a good deal of that is due to having an infant and four children in total, there is always this darkness somewhere in my life.  Some times, it's far, far off with the sun is beaming down but there's that one shadow...lurking...waiting...haunting me.  Then, there's days like here lately; dark clouds rumbling with thunder in the distance and the sky looking like all Hell is just waiting to unfurl itself on me.  And so, I speak things into Light and that helps to drive the raging storm back a bit...enough to breath in a deep breath...sigh out a small amount of bubbling pressure and hope that with the next breath, I'm breathing in Jehovah Shalom.  I need my Lord of Peace to ride in like Gandolph in The Lord of the Rings shining His glorious light so bright that all of Hell has to flee and we ride to a land of milk and honey where His promises will all be fulfilled.  I know that on this side of eternity, perfect peace will not be found.  There will be many trials and hardships.  But, I'm so tired.  I need an oasis to spring up in the midst of my dessert so that I can have rest for my weary soul.  I am alone through much of my life.  Other than my husband, I have no one to turn to.  My friends have deserted me, family is busy with there own lives and I'm just so vastly different from them, I don't think they could offer much help anyway.  We just see things so differently.  I have a church family but I feel like I'm always expected to give, give, give more of myself, my time, my money and I just don't have anymore to give.  I feel guilty taking anymore though too.  I feel damned if I do, damned if I don't.  I feel so defeated.  I try and carry some of the burden for my husband by trying to bring money into the home but all of my efforts have fallen to failure.  I have a gifting that I've tried to use to have a small business but even that I've failed at.  So much time, money and hard work has been poured into it and for very little back.  I feel like I'm kicked, tossed, battered, run over, torn, shredded and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.  How long must we continue to endure suffering?!?!  There have been the greatest blessings but then the joy just is swallowed up by endless crashing waves of life in this world.

I'm lonely.  So lonely it hurts.  Even now, I type my random thoughts into emptiness.  No one to read this.  Randomness floating around in cyber world.  But, at least I can get it out...breath in, sigh, release a bit and inhale again....reflecting on all God has given me, feeling condemned for struggling once again with depression, thankful for God's grace and that condemnation is not of Him but of Satan and waiting again for God's purpose in my life to shine through the darkness and to be steered toward my Promised Land.

The HUGE Debate

Early on in my motherhood, I discovered several things that bring about heated debate but one of the greatest is that of to vaccinate or not to vaccinate.  My mainstream upbringing said without hesitation that you vaccinate.  It's the best thing for your child and for the whole of humanity.  But, something inside of me just never agreed.  Every time I took my oldest for her shots, I just wanted to run away with her.  But, it was best!  My second child...the same.  I'll never forget two nurses on either side of him with me holding my baby down while they jabbed him in both legs at the same time.  He was so panicked he could hardly breath!  But, this was best....right?!?!?  Third child and still I continued to vaccinate until his 6 month vaccines.  He came home and got a really high fever and very lethargic.  I didn't know then that there was a government number to call to report adverse reactions to vaccines.  In fact, I didn't really even know that there were so many bad things that could happen from vaccinating our children from just a swelling of the injection site and mild fever to dangerously high fever, seizures and even death!  From this point on, I could no longer ignore that still small voice that had been telling me all this time to NOT vaccinate my children.  Every time my third child's "well visit" time would come around for me to make the appointment, I would become physically ill.  When I would submit to this non-mainstream choice, I would feel at peace once again.  But, this didn't provide any answers and ESPECIALLY for doctors and other government officials who would eventually make their way into our family's life.  I used to think, "how could I ever make an informed decision on vaccinations?!?!?  I don't have a degree...a doctors degree....a pharmaceutical degree...ANY degree!!!!  This is way over my head.  I can't!"  That was no longer good enough though.  As my life was spinning faster and faster like a coin going around and down that funnel-sort-of-game that some stores have, God has been putting me in a place where I had no choice but to start learning.  God did not give these children to the doctors or to the government but he gave them to us to raise.  He did not call us to make blind decisions but to be informed and ignorant of nothing!  I may not be able to have ALL of the answers, but that wasn't what I needed.  I just needed to try.  And so, I began the long, slow and tedious journey of digging into this whole vaccination debate.

Thankfully, our state gives exemptions for religious reasons and medical reasons.  Some states require you to be of a specific religious affiliation to claim religious exemption (though, this is unconstitutional and not uphold-able) but not here.  Some states have an exemption for philosophical beliefs.  Our state does not but thankfully, because there is no specific affiliation that we "must" be a part of, we can say our convictions are religious even though this is not a part of our denomination.  After the tradgic ending to our unassisted homebirth of our youngest child, DHR (Department of Human Resources) became involved in our home and required access to our children's medical records.  We knew it was only a matter of time before the vaccines would be pushed on us or our children very likely would be taken away from us.  My husband, abet a knee jerk reaction out of fear, was ready to take the kids to the pediatrician and get them up to date.  This would have been SEVERAL vaccinations at once and I felt more helpless at this time than ever before.  We were getting tremendous amounts of pressure from my family, the doctors and now the government and the pressure felt like a pressure cooker ready to blow it's lid!  I called my best friend and unloaded on her.  She and her husband stopped vaccination their kids and had a lot of information at hand.  She called her husband and her husband called mine and simply offered encouragement and support and reminded him of what his rights were.  I felt that our marriage was soon to fall apart.  If he did this, if something horrible happened to our children now or later because of this, I just didn't know what was going to happen.  Hours went by (I was still in the hospital with our youngest while he was with our other three).  I was sick, nails bitten to nubs and a wreak.  He finally made his choice.  He was taking the kids to the health department but not for their vaccinations but for their religious exemptions.  The pressure cooker valve had been released and the steam instantly shot out relieving this immense pressure inside of me.  It wasn't anything anyone had said to him but what God had opened his eyes to see.  He didn't to to any "crunchy, hippy, grassroots" sites but to the CDC primarily and whatever he read made up his mind that vaccinating our children was not the best for them but that he did indeed have a way around the government pressure that they couldn't touch with a metaphorical 10 foot pole!  And, sure enough, that put an end to that situation...from the government end of things.  I still had doctors to contend with.  I still HAVE doctors to contend with.

Once our youngest was home from the hospital, we had a follow up appointment with the Infectious Disease doctor.  Much to my surprise, he was very open to my concerns, sat and listened with interest and began to address the information I presented in a totally different way than I thought.  My concerns were legitimate!  There are legitimate concerns on the anti-vaccination side of the issue and the parts that I brought up were not just bogus, fear driven fears but legit concerns.  One of the doctors addressed my heavy metal and formaldehyde concerns with, "it's just such a small amount though".  She had no response to my come back of, "there is no recommended SAFE dosage for ANY person of ANY age."  This trip was all I needed to hear to tie up those loose ends in my head that maybe I was wrong..."loving my children to death" as one family member told me....hearing God wrong like another suggested.    

I have continued to have concerns on both sides.  I fear pertussis and tetanus and if these two could be vaccinated for individually, I probably would do so.  But, these are not available any longer.  Every single time I have nearly made up my mind on at least giving them the DTap, "random" information makes its way to me about this vaccine and its dangers.  (I don't believe in just random but that the footsteps of the righteous are ordered by the Lord and when we are seeking His face and his will for our lives, that he will provide what we need when we need it even as random as it sometimes seems.)  Once again, when I settle down and rest in God's will for my family's lives, I find peace even when faced with the fight against the mainstream beliefs.

Proverbs 1:8 and 9

8 Listen to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching.  9 They will be a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.

I've already been chewing on this one for several days now.  I still have more to dig out of this too I think.

At first glance, this is really hard for me to know what to do with because I am so different than my parents.  Not bad on either side but my beliefs are MY beliefs; beliefs that I have come to through my own searching and life experiences.  So, what am I to do when there seems to be a good deal of oil and water?  Make salad dressing!  Ok, that was corny but I needed a chuckle LOL : )  So, let's skip it!  Nope.  God's word...all of it...is for all of us and is applicable to our lives if we just seek Him and search it out.

What first came to me comes from the saying of, "actions speak louder than words".  Then, there are my parroting little ones and my cringing muscles as I hear what comes from them.  One thing that will push a person farther from God (in my opinion at least) than anything else is hypocrisy.  No one is perfect so, why pretend to be???  When we chastise others for the very thing we do, our pedestal becomes very wobbly then.  As parents, we are the greatest example of who God is in our children's eyes.  It is our responsibility to be as accurate of an example as we can be.  Because, these examples pave life long roads in that child's walk with God or for them to use to run away as fast as possible.  Our children watch our lives far more than they give ear to what comes out of our mouths.  Even this morning, I'm asking Grace if I'm just talking to myself 'cause even with having said her name, she paid ZERO attention to what I was saying to her.  I get more response from my walls than my kids (ok, a little exaggeration there).  Nevertheless, my precious little girl will be in the room with her younger two brothers and all of a sudden I hear ME come out of her mouth and my heart sinks.  That ZERO attention?  Not quite so zero after all!  On the flip side though, she is such an amazing helper with the youngest.  She lays on the floor with him, sits by his side cooing and playing with him just as she sees me doing and she does such a great job at making that sweet baby boy happy as can be.  I see daily reflections of my greatest failures and my greatest successes reflecting from my children.  What kind of mother I am in these first 4-5 years will pave my little ones' futures as children, teens and even adults.  While I fail miserably more times than I wish I did, I have to remember to own those faults and use those as examples of what they need to NOT be and do.  If I don't, then I run the risk of seeming like a hypocrite to my children; being one way outside and another way inside.  

So as a child, a daughter, who is now a woman and a wife and a mother with unique beliefs and plans, how does this scripture apply to me?  I have learned a lifetime of things from my parents.  I have learned their failures as well as their successes.  The greatest thing that I can do is to not pass on the failures and to become even better at their success so that for my children, they can go on to be even greater.  It is the hardest job, that of being a parent.  But, we have a perfect parent to go to, to watch, to listen to and to learn from every moment of every day.  He has no failures and a 100% success rate.  While who we are has been etched (literally) into our brains from the beginnings of our lives, He can totally rewrite our brains and hearts.  

All through scripture, God has given us examples of what sort of parent we ought to be.  He has given up perfect instruction and perfect teaching.  We must read, study, absorb and let it be the lamp to our feet and light to our paths so that we stumble less, stub fewer toes and in the end, give our children a better idea of who God really is.

I've got a few words to look at more in depth.  So, there may be more thoughts to add to this later on......

..............................

Just saw this quote, "Your children are your disciples, so part of your responsibility is to model for them the character of Christ. Your children will learn what He is like from your example, and they will want to become like the Christ they see in you." Perfect for my whole thought : )