I Survived!!!

Ironically, this is the shirt I wore after having gone through an elective induction (DUMB choice btw) with my first child.  I survived the longest and most excruciating event of my life!!!  If I could go back into time and redo my pregnancies, I would have gotten plugged into the care of a midwife and started educating myself sooner and let Baby and God decide when it was time for them to come out.  Having had a natural birth at home, I can say, had I done this, I would not only have survived but I would have thrived.  Sometimes though, life is just about surviving.  This year has been quite the example of that.


The last leg of my pregnancy with my youngest child was the most horrible time of my life physically.  I found out afterward that people were apparently becoming very worried about me (thanks for speaking up and sticking out a hand *sarcasm*).  But, I found strength within me that I just didn't think I had.  I was far from graceful about it though.  I complained incessantly, cried, cried and cried some more and even got to my lowest point of snotting and drooling as I was curled up on the toilet and sink sobbing.  Yeah, pretty bad!  Just another one of those moments that I am so glad to be married and only once.  LOL!!!  Just some parts of life, no more than that one person should ever see and even then it is still embarrassing. 


January 30, 2011 came and labor FINALLY began!  I survived laboring all day and well into the night.  January 31, 2011 and I gave birth to my youngest baby at home.  I wish that this was all I would have had to survived but my life spun out of control that early Monday morning.


I survived holding my dead son, watching while they did CPR on him, seeing his limp and lifeless body laid on my bed, seeing him taken away and me left naked sitting in a pool of blood with his cord left limp hanging out of my body.
I survived the numbing ambulance ride to the hospital alone thinking I would have to call NILMDTS to photograph my son's body. 
I survived, barely (with the help of a double dose of demerol) being poked, pushed on, placenta pulled out, bleeding, bleeding and more bleeding.  I wanted my placenta.  I had something special I wanted to do with it but knew I could not go home with my placenta with my baby in the morgue. 
I survived the roller coaster of emotions that flooded me at the news of my son's resurrection.
I survived DHR coming into our lives and taking my other three children away from me.  
I survived by my son's side as he lay shivering on a cooling blanket for three days unable to be held, to be fed, to be normal.
I survived three and a half weeks in the hospital with my baby after a false test (I think done purposefully) of herpes.  
I survived the whispering behind curtains amongst the nurses about me.
I survived the lies that the nurses told DHR.
I survived the continual threat of foster care for my children.
I survived week after week after week after month after month of DHR being in our home telling us how we "should" parent our children because they "questioned our ability to make sound parenting choices".
I survived the label of child abuse.  
I survived the loss of my best friend.
I survived betrayal from those I trusted the most.
I survived doctor visit after doctor visit, test after test after test on myself, my baby, my husband.
I survived the continual battles of our choice to not vaccinate our child.
I survived the painful gashes dealt out by my family because all of this was my fault.
I survived being manipulated and lied to and stolen from.
I survived my husband being on night shift this entire year working over time on top of 12 hour shifts; being left to be basically a single mom through much of this year.
I survived a lot of other more personal things as well as the daily wear and tear of my life.


I survived.  I survived!!!  My life is still intact and my family is well and my son is fully healed.  I SURVIVED!!!!!!  But, life is not just about surviving.  John 10:10 "I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly."  Through Jesus, we can do anything.  So, why stop at just surviving?  I want to have an abundant life!  I want to thrive!


Through all of this surviving, God's Holy Spirit was ever present in my life.  Time after time did He speak so clearly to my aching heart, terrified soul and battered spirit.  He was a healing balm in the midst of agony.  And for the first time ever, I learned what joy truly is and how to live life filled with joy even when happiness is far from present.  In the vast ocean of tears that spilled from my eyes, I was still able to have laughter.  For the first time, my life was not totally consumed with rage.  Rage and hate were there but I was not consumed.  This year has been filled with so much pain but also so much life and growth.  I enter into 2012 a new woman in many ways.  


2011 was about surviving and growing and living in the shadow of death.  My prayer Abba is that 2012 will be a year for thriving and laying in green pastures.