I started writing this a few days ago. I have been sick to my stomach these past several days with it growing as today has approached. I'm cutting it way back though. It was far more than needed to be sent out into all of the world and "draft" served me well in giving me a bit of a vent and relief.
December 15th 2010, I made a horrible choice. It was unintentional but caused a lot of pain in lives of those closest to me and sent my life down a path that otherwise, probably would never have been stepped even one to on to. This year has been something unlike I could have ever imagined but I am so thankful for God's grace and that His mercies are new every morning and that He holds to His promises regardless of our "failures". I don't know if I have admitted this or not before now but had I, ME, not made the choices I made this night last year, my life could look very different today. That's a hard pill to swallow. It has been so easy to point at this person or that person passing as much blame off on anyone I possibly could pass it off on. Yeah, I've admitted my wrong and countless times but, I still didn't want to carry that on my own. Things could have been done differently by this person and that person but it all falls back on me and my first choice. Owning our mistakes is crucial to changing and a lesson that fewer and fewer people want to learn and live.
In Genesis, Jacob is fleeing for his life. He leaves his family in a safe place and heads out to have some alone time and there he has a personal and face to face encounter with God. They wrestle. All night long they are tangled up together. The sun is coming up and God tells him to let him go and he refuses to do so until God blesses him. God asks him, "what is your name?" I come to this in my reading today and have to stop and soak. What is your name...who are you now? This brings so much emotion to my heart. Who am I NOW?
There is a lot more to write on this particular story but for tonight, I will keep it at this. Satan does not want us to know who we ARE but who we WERE. I think that is why I have been dreading this day with such misery. My memories have been flooded with my mistakes and it has taken its toll on me this past week or so. Satan would love nothing more than for me to get stuck in that night and not move past that; to become swallowed up in such depression that all I can see is who I WAS instead of who God has helped me to be today. I've gone through so many heartaches this year. But, God made me a promise...two really and I have seen one come to pass and am holding on in faith and trusting that the second is coming in its season. God and I have gone around and around. I don't know that I would call it "wrestling" but many times I have asked of Him and He has been faithful to answer me and numerous times to the same question. He has touched my life and I am forever changed. My name, Christ-follower, is truly who I am. I'm not perfect but I am in love and I know that my pain has been and will be for God's glory and for the plans that God has for me and my family and even the lives that we are to touch as the days and years go by.
Regardless of the mistakes you have made, the failures, the wrongs, the hurts you've caused, you don't have to remain there. Let go of those things and let God take them and create in you a new thing. Let Him use what Satan has intended for evil to bring about something beautiful and good. Then, anytime Satan tries to remind you of who you were, tell him, speak it out loud even, who you ARE!
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