Reading My Mail

Got up this rainy Sunday morning NOT planning on going to church.  As much as I love God, I really don't like church.  I can't stand the going through the motions, the pretending, the fakeness of those around me...just being in another place where I'm the odd ball out and no one really wants me around.  But, the Holy Spirit nudged me to go and at my children's excitement at the question of church, I decided we'd go. 


Once there, I started to feel the bitterness build back up.  Looking around wondering if anyone would bother to come speak to me.  Thinking, "I should have gone to Such-n-such church this morning instead of somewhere I'm not wanted."  Then praise and worship started and it was done by a bunch of kids.  MEH!!!  What in the world do they have teens leading adults?!?!  But something, probably God's tender way with me, gently hushed the beast and I heard how beautiful it really was and the prayer the young girl gave, so genuine.  I settled.  Service started and was given by our pastor's younger brother.  First though???  WOW!  He's HOT!!!  Yeah, I'm human and flawed and getting past his hotness took a good deal of work.  Pastors shouldn't be good looking LOL!  His eyes and mine caught all through the service and the words he gave grabbed my heart and God spoke right to me.  It was like there was no one else around.  Me and God through this man.  This couple came in late with their brand new baby girl.  My womb ached.  My arms wanted to reach out and scoop her up.  They told me no.  I cried.  Not because I couldn't hold her but because I couldn't hold HER; my daughter that I have carried in my heart for so long that my womb aches empty because she's not here and most likely, unless God has other plans that I don't know about, I will never hold.  Tears welled in my eyes and spilled out down my face, lips and chin.  God was there and speaking and while I don't know what my future holds, He does and He knows my pain and my frustration and no doubt, as was spoken today, some of that frustration He has sent.  


Why would God send frustration and pain?  To make me uncomfortable.  To force me to move out.  To send me into my future fulfilling what He has called me to do and be.  Deuteronomy 32:11 was one of many verses that God had for me today.  "As an eagle stirs up its nest, hovers over its young, spreading out its wings, taking them up, carrying them on its wings..."  A mother eagle takes care of her young but when it is time for them to head out on their own, she starts to stir the nest, pulling out the down and making the nest uncomfortable.  By doing this, the babies are encouraged to move out and start spreading their wings to fly on their own.  I can not tell you how many times I have dreamt of flying, being caught up and whisked upwards so fast it nearly takes my breath away.  I have seen eagles in my dreams and have soared high above the clouds and have learned that to fly, I have to submit to Him and let Him carry me on His wings.  When I try and do it on my own, I start to fall again.  God wants to get me off of my comfortable rear end and get me soaring into my destiny.  I don't know what that is but, I got up from my seat and knelt at the front in prophetic proclamation that I am here, right now, giving myself to you Abba to go where you have me to go.  No matter how hard things become and regardless of what others around me think, I will follow you with all of my heart, leaning not on ME and MY understandings but letting you whisk me up into the upper atmosphere of You.  How do I do that?  By becoming more intimate with Him!


There is another dream that I have had.  This too, never the same dream but the same power.  I won't go into the details, as I don't feel I should at this time, but I will say it is an intimacy with Jesus unlike words could ever describe.  I want that!  I hunger desperately for that and know that this is my spirit and He touching in the stillness of the night.  So, even when I'm not feeling like I want anything to do with Him, I really do!  I have to stop hiding from Him and start burying my face into His chest, hear His heart beating, feel His breath on my face, get lost in His eyes.  


Service ended with a prayer of protection to surround those that God had touched.  Satan will always try and rush in and steal what God has done.  My mind is a battlefield.  My heart is still so tender.  Satan will wound me any way he can even if it is just to flood my mind with criticalness, lust or bitter thoughts from pains from my past.  Today, I lifted my hands for the first time in God only knows how long.  I wanted to give up my all to Him.  He knows how hard that is for me but I did it!  I want you Lord!!!


So...


Satan says, "You're a 'effin know-it-all'!!!"      God says, "You are a woman of knowledge!"


Satan says, "You're an idiot, a fool, and annoying!"  God says, " You are a woman of wisdom"


Satain says, "You are weak!  You can't do this any longer!!!"  God says, "You are a strong woman.  You are called to be a woman of great strength!  Through Jesus Christ, you can endure and through that endurance, I will bring you into your calling and my glory will shine for all to see!!!"


Satan says, "You should follow the crowd and just do what everyone else does and says you should do."  God says, "I didn't call you to be mainstream.  I called you to follow ME; to be God-stream!"


Satan says, "You're not the social norm!"  God says, "be EXTRAORDINARY!!!!"


In a recent conversation I had with my dad, he said that he's just a normal man and God can speak to him as He does anyone else.  I told my dad that I refuse to settle and just be normal.  I strive to be extraordinary and God speaks in extraordinary ways to those who refuse to settle being the "social norm"!  God can use a donkey but I don't want to be an ASS!  I want to be supernatural!!!!!!